


Write me not

by sweet_mysterie



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Letters, M/M, Military AU, Narry - Freeform, Soldier!Harry, Soldier!Louis, Soldier!Zayn, pen pal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-03
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-11-28 01:26:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/668693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweet_mysterie/pseuds/sweet_mysterie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall and Liam are signed up to a pen pal program through their college writing to soldiers in the British military, given inspiration and guidance by none other than out of commission soldier Louis. Harry and Zayn are the mysterious SAS soldiers on the receiving end of these letters.</p><p>Niall has never had anything he’s thought was worth fighting for and Harry just wants to fight for his own cause.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Mystery Soldier,  
Well I guess I should start off by saying sorry for calling you mystery soldier. I didn’t really want to use your number; that felt too weird. Maybe you can tell me your name so I can address you properly? I’m Niall by the way. 

I don’t know if you know, but I’m from a college in London and our professor signed us all up to do this, it’s 20% of our course work. Oh I don’t mean to imply I’m doing this only to pass my paper, I actually like the idea behind this programme. An army officer Louis (I don’t know if you know him) came to talk to us about the programme and he made me really want to participate!  
You know, they gave us this official guideline thing, it’s supposed to give us an idea about what to say (and what not to write), but I’m not really one for rules, that’s more Liam’s thing (Liam’s my mate, he’s writing to someone too.). The guideline was rather boring and I figured if you were about my age then you would find it interesting either so I’ve decided to take a few liberties : ) 

I think I should tell you a bit about myself, I’m Niall, 19 years old from Ireland, but studying composition at college in London. Haha that sounded like it was an introduction at an AA meeting or something. If you’re wondering, this is for an English paper that I have to do; it’s supposed to help with lyrical composition or something. What was I saying? Oh yeh, music is my life, I love listening to music, singing, playing guitar, everything. Sometimes I play gigs at the local pub down the road, but only if they’re desperate for an act haha. Oh and the other love of my life is food! Liam told me not to write about food, but I can’t help it, food is sooo amazing. You know how we’re supposed to eat to live? Well I’m one of those people who live to eat!! Liam’s forcing me to stop talking about myself now because apparently I'm horrible at it, so why don’t you tell me about you?  
I hope that was a relatively good introductory letter. Hope to hear back from you!

Niall.

 

Niall watched anxiously as Liam read over his letter to his new military pen pal, Liam’s face not betraying any emotion.  
“ So, Liam, what do you think?”

Liam looked up from the letter in his hands “It’s quite rough in places and I don’t think you were supposed to be so blatantly obvious about not playing by the rules, but it’s very you and that’s a good thing I guess.”

Niall nodded, glad Liam approved of his letter, he was more nervous than he let on. He didn’t want to write the wrong thing and not get a reply or offend his new pen pal in anyway. 

“Thanks for reading it over Liam.”

“All good mate, but I still don’t know why you wanted me to read it over, it’s not like you can get it wrong.”

Niall huffed “Mate, knowing me, I would manage to find a way to get this wrong.”

2 weeks later  
Hi Niall,  
I’m not sure if I can tell you my name, but I guess you can call me H for now. But you can use ‘mystery soldier’ if you’d like, I think it gives me an air of mystery. 

It’s cool that you guys are signed up for this, but I feel bad that you have to write me to pass! Unfortunately I’m really not that interesting. Sorry. 

I know Louis (if you’re talking about Louis Tomlinson, a little short, well muscled and entirely too delicate looking to be a soldier). He was in by team (and a good mate of mine) till he was forced to retire from active service.  
You sound like a right rebel! Not following the guidelines : p Unfortunately I think I’m like your friend Liam, guidelines and rules are kind of my thing, but then again they have to be, especially out here. But I used to be like you, I used to not care, I used to be more carefree.

You seem very very passionate about music, what is your favourite artist? I can’t guarantee that I’ll know who you’re talking about, I don’t really get the latest music out here, but I can try?

I don’t know what to write about myself, I’ve never been good at talking about myself. Well I guess I’ll tell you about what I do, I mean I can’t say exactly what I do or where I am, but I can still tell you about other stuff? There is only one way to find out, if I'm not supposed to tell you then you’ll receive a letter with black lines through it because all or letters (incoming and outgoing) get screened, so tell me what happens when you get this. Ok so I’m currently in an undiscloseable location with a group of other guys, the exact amount I can’t tell you. But I think I can tell you that I’m currently posted with one of my closest mates in the army, his name is Zayn. He is currently writing back to his pen pal too. Haha it’s funny watching him write, he’s got this far away look in his eyes like he’s trying really hard to come up with something deep and meaningful to say (he likes to pretend he’s deep  
but really he’s not).

Oh, gotta run, we’re getting the call to head out. I’ll drop this off on my way. Talk to you next time.  
H.


	2. Chapter 2

From: Liam  
8.50am  
‘Niall, you better show in class today, we’re getting the replies from the pen pal programme’

Niall swore as he read the text from Liam, he’d completely forgotten they were getting the replies today and was going to skip class as usual. Niall glanced at the clock and realised he was going to have to run out the door right now if he were to have any hope of making it to class in time.

“Shit shit shit!”Niall swore when he couldn’t find his keys or wallet.

His phone went off again, alerting him to another message.

From: Liam  
8.52am  
‘Your wallet is on the TV and your keys are on the coffee table.’

“Oh! That’s right. Thank God for Liam” Niall exclaimed.

15 minutes and a mad dash later saw Niall sneaking in to his lecture theatre. Niall snuck in the back entrance hoping that Liam had the sense to sit near the back; he scanned the many student heads looking for his mate. He soon spotted Liam two rows away and thankfully with an empty aisle seat next to him. Niall hopped down the steps and threw himself in to the seat. Liam looked up and rolled his eyes when he saw Niall, his friend was red in the face and clearly puffing.

“Hey mate, glad to see you could make it, but ummm, were you paying attention to your clothes when you left the house??” Liam whispered

“Hey, thanks for the seat and your texts. You didn’t think I would make it did you” Niall smiled proudly as he whispered back. “Nope I wasn’t really looking, was in a rush to get here in time.”

Liam tried to bite back a laugh as he said “Mate, I think you should look down”

A loud “Oh fuck!” could be heard echoing around the lecture theatre, which lead to a stern telling off by the lecturer.

**********************************************************************************

Dear Mysterious H,

(Like how I combined both nicknames?) I quite like it, just the right amount of mystery and intrigue, but yet personal enough. 

Ugh, I had the worst, most embarrassing morning ever! I woke up late this morning (well actually I woke up on time because I had no intention of going to my morning class) but then Liam texted me 10 minutes before class telling me that we were getting your reply letters today. I was actually proud of myself because I got to class in record time and I was only 5 minutes late. But my happy bubble was shattered, in my haste I forgot to change……yes that’s right I went to class in my pyjamas!! And the worst part is I don’t really wear much to bed…..I had to sit through class wearing nothing but my old holey pair of B-ball shorts! (yes I sleep topless!) and now I’m apparently that guy who goes to class with no top on. Liam had a right field day with that and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to show my face in class again! I hope you appreciate this letter, considering how much I had to go through just for you : (

Hahaha I hope you know I’m joking, I don’t really expect you to appreciate this more because I was stupid.

Harry stopped ready the letter, laughing so hard tears started streaming down his face. Harry could not imagine what it would be like having to endure class half naked and in your pyjamas!

“Yo, Harry, what’s up? You do realise you’re crying?” a gruff voice interrupted Harry from the bunk next to his.

“This Niall guy here is hilarious! He went to class half naked and in his pyjama pants cos he was desperate to get his letter! Oh wait, I feel bad now, it’s kind of my fault yeh?”

“Mate anyone ever tell you you think too much? It’s not your fault”

Harry laughed “Yes Zayn, the captain told me that when he recruited me for the SAS”

Zayn rolled his eyes “Just go back to your letter”

I didn’t know Louis was forced to retired from active service. No wonder he seemed rather melancholy about the whole thing. (Liam told me to try and use big words cos apparently the whole point of this exercise is to learn about storytelling and lyrical uhh something, so there, I used a nice word!)

How long have you been in the army? Am I even allowed to ask that?? You sound like you’ve been there a long time. I guess it’s quite hard to be carefree when there’s so much at stake. I probably should watch what I say shouldn’t I? I tend to get carried away with talking/writing, it’s a rather bad trait I have….

Ohhh don’t make me choose a favourite artist! I can’t do it!! I like a bit of everything! I quite like The Script and Bruno Mars. There’s also the classics like Bon Jovi and the Stones, everyone enjoys the Stones (please tell me you know what I’m talking about). I’m so excited for next weekend though, there’s this music festival happening in town and I’ve managed to get a job as a sound assistant. This means I get back stage access and I get to the meet artists and everything! It’s going to be amazing! 

Whatever you do sounds very mysterious and black ops-ish. I want to say you’re in the SAS or something like that, those guys are very secretive and what not. I’m glad you’re posted with your mate, I don’t know what I’d do without my Liam!! Haha yes! I got a Liam smile out of him (I had to write that to make up for this morning, I kind of swore really loudly in class and that got Liam in trouble because he laughed so hard at me that he interrupted the whole class). The Zayn guy you mention sounds familiar, I think Liam has him as a pen pal! Oh Liam’s confirmed it!! His guy is Zayn and I don’t think there can be two Zayns? 

By the way there were no black marks through the letter I received! This means that we’re good so far. But I didn’t know your incoming letters were screened, I probably shouldn’t have said I don’t care about the rules…..I really love rules, I’m a complete law abiding citizen.

Ohhh and you’re doing fine talking about yourself and you’re interesting too!! 

Hope whatever you were called out to do went good!

Niall

P.S. Sorry if I was all over the place in this letter, Liam let me consume waaaayyyy too much sugar! Haha 

Harry couldn’t resist immediately replying to Niall, his letter was just so random and carefree, it reminded Harry of a different time in his life, where he didn’t have to think of the consequences for every action. Harry loved the mini escape the letters allowed him. 

Hi Niall,

First of all I would like to apologise for making you so embarrassed, your morning sounded horrible! I’m also sorry because I laughed quite hard when I read it…..I’m sorry!! Maybe next time you should go to bed with a shirt on in case? But I do appreciate your letters and effort; it’s quite nice to have someone to write to and it’s exciting when your name gets called out during the weekly mail delivery.

I do like your use of the word melancholy; I felt it was very appropriate. Louis was quite devastated when they told him he wouldn’t be able to serve in the field anymore, but I think he’s found his calling now. Did he tell you guys what happened to him?

I’ve been in the army for almost 3 years now, since just before my 18th birthday. That’s quite a long time huh, I never really kept track of how long I’ve been in the army before. The time flew by so fast! I don’t believe it’s already been 3 years, that’s rather scary. 

Don’t worry Niall, I know who The Stones are, I think everyone knows about them. I’m rather proud, I know who all those artists are. I’m rather partial to The Script too but I’m more of an indie fan myself.  Umm what exactly is a sound assistant? Hope you had fun at the festival though, care to share the experience with me?? I’ve never really been to a festival, never quite had the chance to go to one before.

I can neither confirm nor deny your conclusion about which division of the military I am in…..Oh I asked Zayn and he said that his pen pal’s name is Liam so I think our friends are writing each other? 

Our mission went well the other week, it was rather routine and boring, but at least it got us out of camp. It can get boring here, staying within the confines of camp all the time. The only times we really get out of here are when we’ve got missions to complete. Ha, the life of a soldier is so exciting.

Can I ask why Liam let you have sugar? Not that I’m complaining, it made for a very entertaining letter. Everyone in my troupe wanted to read it because they wanted to see what made me smile and laugh so much.

Yes of course we wanted to read it!! Harry never smiles let alone laughs!

Sorry, that last bit was Zayn, I do smile!

H.


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey Liam, how come you know your pen pal’s name and I don’t know mine?” Niall had just finished reading H’s reply when the thought struck him.

Liam looked up from the letter he was writing and paused for a second, a confused look dancing upon his features. “I actually don’t know, we’re obviously allowed to know their names, otherwise there would have been a black line through Zayn’s, maybe you should ask H for his again.” 

Niall paused for a second, thinking it over, before saying, “Nah, I think I’ll just leave it, H sounds so mysterious and anonymous, makes feel like I’m in a spy movie or something.” 

“Mate, you’re really really weird!” Liam laughed at his friend as he turned back to his homework, his letter from Zayn already read and the reply written.   

Dear H, 

You’re one very lucky guy! You know why? Its cos I’m going to be writing you 2 letters! Yes 2 whole letters. Why I hear you ask, it’s because I’m going to write you one now (because I just got your reply) and I’m going to write you one on Sunday (because that’s the day after the festival). So when you guys get your mail you can feel extra special because there’ll be two things for you when they call out your name. I’m so nice that way because I could have combined it all in one letter but I remember how you felt special when you get things.

Ooo do you want me to send you anything else? I can send you parcels and stuff can’t I? Ah hold on, Liam says I can so long as they adhere (yes I used another good word, seeing as you liked it last time) to the guidelines, so is there anything you’d like me to send you, well anything that’s within my rather measly student budget….?? 

First of all I would like to say I’m glad I can provide entertainment for troupe? I feel a little embarrassed though, everyone reading about my shirtless uni mishaps…..but yet I feel like I’ve achieved something? Making a whole troupe of battle harden soldiers laugh with my letter, that has to be some kind of achievement yeh? Liam says not, he reckons I should stop being so Niall (his words, not mine). By the way, I was going to wear a shirt to sleep last night (in lieu of the other week’s embarrassment) but then I realised there was no point because this time I knew we were getting the letters today which meant I planned to go to class, so therefore had time this morning to make sure I had clothes on :D 

No, Louis didn’t tell us much about himself, what happened to him??

Wow you’re only 20 and you’ve already been in the army for 3 years?! That’s amazing! I think it’s quite awesome that you’re so young but you’ve already have something you believe strongly in that’d you’re literally fighting for it. I wish I found my cause. (My grandfather was such an inspiration for me, he used to talk about ‘The Troubles’, he believe so strongly in a united Ireland and he campaigned so hard for it. He was so passionate that when he spoke, you couldn’t help but feel motivated to act for his cause. 

 Ha! As you can neither confirm nor deny my conclusion, I conclude that I was correct and if I am correct then you must be a really good soldier to have made it in to the SAS at such a young age. If the is true then I’m rather in awe of you…. 

There is a good story behind the sugar overload! I was super tired and sleepy, but I had a composition assignment due, so I figured I needed some energy. I downed 2 red bulls and sat back waiting for the energy to kick in, but before it did Liam came over. I had texted him earlier saying I was tired and him being the awesome friend that he is, he brought energy chocolate and barley sugars!! I couldn’t not eat it, it was right there! Hahaha he let me finish the entire block and the majority of the sweets which, by the time I ate it all, the red bulls had kicked in! I was bouncing off the walls that night! I finished my assignment, wrote the letter, and played endless games of zombies on CoD all night. Yeh, I didn’t sleep that night at all! 

I hope that story made you smile, I mean I can see why you wouldn’t have much reason to smile, but life is all about the little things isn’t it. I think it’s important to find beauty and happiness in what you can, especially for you I would imagine. 

That’s me for this letter, can’t wait to tell you about the festival! 

Niall.

Harry inhaled deeply after finishing the letter, folding it carefully before tucking it back in its envelope. Niall was completely right; being in the army did not give him many reasons to smile anymore, but the little things were important, little things like Niall’s letters. Harry knew he needed reasons to smile, knew he needed reasons to feel human, reasons to keep him believing that the world wasn’t always such a horrible place. Niall had definitely reminded him that he needed to pay attention to the little things. Harry smiled softly as he reached for Niall’s next letter. His pen pal was correct, when he saw that there were two letters waiting for him, he had gotten that much more excited. Getting letters was like a school prize giving, there was the same anticipation; when you waited to see if your name would get called and the same feeling of achievement when your name was called. Whenever the mail officer called his name, Harry felt the same of embarrassment, excitement and bashfulness as he did when he was in school, especially when he felt eyes on him as he walked up to collect his letters. 

H!!! 

The festival was amazing!!!!!!! I don’t believe you’ve never been to one before. You mentioned you like indie stuff? Well then you would have loved this festival!!! All the best indie bands were there, it was soooo very hipster!! Haha. 

You asked in your letter what a sound assistant was, well, even though I was just a sound assistant I still can’t answer your question. I actually don’t know the answer! I showed up on the day with my official pass and note book ready only to be told that they didn’t really need me to do anything and was told to just go watch some acts.  All I did job wise was help lift an amp, take some mic stands of a stage and put a few back up track CDs in the player. For the rest of the time I got to watch the bands and drink beer, it was perfect!! I even got to meet The Vamps!

Man, that backstage pass came in handy, I was allowed to walk around the restricted performers tents and chat to the bands, it was the best experience ever!! I’ll include a picture of me and Travis when I’ve got my pics printed! 

Next time you’re on leave I’m going to bring you to a festival, regardless of where in the country it is. You can’t have not ever been to a festival! It’s something you have to experience at least once in your life. Actually, it’s probably something you should experience many times in your life…

Let me know when are you next on leave, I’m going to start researching and planning this!

Niall. 

Harry was just about to start replying when he heard the warning sirens sound. 

“Fuck!”  Harry swore vehemently. 

“Dude, what’s the problem?” Zayn asked, as he glanced over at Harry. 

“I haven’t had the chance to reply Niall yet and warning sirens had to sound and now we’ve got to be ready to head out in 10 for whatever emergency they’ve got going on out there. Last time we were gone a week, who knows how long this time could be.” Harry spat, getting quite agitated at the prospect of missing the week’s mail out and not getting to reply Niall.

 ”Mate, I don’t think he’ll mind if you miss one mail out. You can explain why you missed it next time. Considering our situation, I’m sure he’ll understand.” Harry stared down at the letters he held in his hands, contemplating what he could possibly do. 

“Zayn, have you written your reply to Liam yet?” Harry asked, suddenly eager.

“Uhh yes I have, was going to drop it off on our way out, why.” Zayn looked at Harry oddly, curious to see where he was going with this. 

“Yes! Perfect.” Harry hastily rummaged in his pack, creating a mess with his frantic searching. “Pen Zayn, pen!”

“Scaring me slightly now mate, but here’s a pen.” Zayn said slowly and calmly in his siege negotiator voice as he reached over to tap Harry on the shoulder with the pen he’d been using. 

“Ah brilliant!” Harry exclaimed, not noticing how his friend had been speaking to him. “Now where’s that reply of yours to Liam? I need to borrow it a second.”


	4. Chapter 4

Niall was quite excited when he got to his English lecture, it was mail day again and he couldn’t wait to see what Harry had to say. He sat impatiently through the lecture, not really paying attention to what his lecturer was droning about, just waiting for the end of class so he could rush down to the basket of letters that sat tempting at the front of the class. The second his professor stopped lecturing, Niall bolted out of his seat and ran down the steps to the basket. Once there, he quickly riffled through the letters searching for his name.

Moments later Liam’s warm voice soon interrupted his searching, “Hey, found them yet?”

Niall passed Liam his letter and kept on searching through the quickly diminishing pile, not bothering with a reply.

Once he had gone through every single letter Niall turned to Liam with a small frown on his face, “Liam, there isn’t a letter for me….Do you think I was too forward last time and scared him?”

“I don’t think you scared him Nialler, he really seemed to be enjoying your letters.” Liam said, comforting his distraught friend.

“Oh no, you don’t think something bad happened to him do you?!” Niall turned in to Liam, unconsciously seeking comfort. “He could have gotten hurt or something and I wouldn’t know”

“I’m sure H is fine. He probably had to go on a mission or was just training off base and didn’t get to reply you this time.” Liam soothingly stroked his hand between Niall’s shoulder blades, trying to comfort his friend. “How about I write Zayn and ask if H is alright?”

“Yeh, that would be good.” Niall said slowly, “I just hope H is ok. You know, all this suddenly feels more real, if you know what I mean.”

“I know what you mean Ni, it’s a little bit scary, brings this war closer to home.”

Liam and Niall turned to leave the lecture hall, but stopped when they realised somebody had been standing in the door way.

“Hi, sorry, I came to collect the basket but you looked like you were having a serious discussion, I didn’t want to interrupt” the newcomer said by way of an explanation.

Liam was the first of the two to get over the surprise “Oh hi, its Louis isn’t it?” Louis nodded, before Liam continued “Don’t worry, you weren’t interrupting us, Niall here was just worried because he didn’t get a reply from his guy this week. Oh and I’m Liam by the way.”

Louis smiled warmly at the 2 boys “Hi, nice to meet you Niall and Liam.” Louis turned slightly toward Niall. “Mate you’re worried about pen pal?”

Niall nodded in confirmation, “Yeh, but I’m not sure if overreacting…”

“Don’t worry, you aren’t over reacting. Anyone who knows someone in the military naturally worries, I know it’s hard not to. When I was posted out, my mum would often go weeks without a reply from me because sometimes there simply isn’t time to write a letter. Don’t worry; I’m sure your guy is fine.”

“Oh.” Was all Niall could say, Louis’ word had reassured him, but had made him feel bad for thinking H didn’t want to reply him. Of course H was just busy; he was in the army for god’s sake and in the middle of a war.

Liam, realising Niall was having an internal moment, decided to take over conversing. “Thanks for the Louis. So you used to be on active duty, what made you decide to switch to this.” Liam gestured to the basket and the lecture hall.

Louis chuckled at Liam’s awkward gesturing “Well there’s a bit of a story of how a got from active duty to,” Louis mimicked Liam’s gesture, “this. If it were up to me, I’d probably still be out there.”

“Oh yeh, H mentioned that you were forced to retire from active service.” Niall chose to enter the conversation, remembering what H had said in a previous letter.

Louis glanced over at Niall curiously, “That’s right, I was made to retire, something my mother was unbelievably pleased about. As she puts it, she finally can stop worrying about one of her men. I come from a military family you see, first my grandfather, then father, then me. Anyway, about a year ago, we were on what we thought was a routine patrol when we were ambushed, nothing we couldn’t handle though. But only story short, I ended up getting shot in the hand,” Louis waved his left hand at the boys “the bullet shattered quite a few bones in my hand, nothing too horrific, the hand is fine for the most part, but I can’t handle a gun for long periods of time and it tends to cramp up every now and then.”

“I think that’s a pretty epic story.” Liam slowly said.

“It’s pretty shit, don’t worry I know.” Louis corrected, nose scrunching up in distain.

Niall finally let out the laughter he was holding in, “Mate it is kind of a funny story!”

Louis looked between Niall who was laughing shamelessly and Liam who looked torn between laughing and being polite by not laughing and burst in to laughter too.  Soon all three boys were laughing together in the middle of the deserted lecture hall.

Louis was the first to collect his wits. “Well boys, glad my unbelievably heroic discharge from the army could entertain you. It was great meeting you, but I’ve really got to get to the next school. And Niall, if you ever need to talk to someone about your pen pal or any concerns you have you can talk to me, my contact details are on the guidelines pack you got, I’m more than happy to help you out. That goes for you too Liam you know.”

“Thanks Louis, that means a lot.” Niall said, whilst Liam nodded in agreement.

Louis nodded at the boys in farewell, before grabbing his basket and headed out the door.

**********************************************************************************

Liam was sitting on Niall’s bed, reading his letter from Zayn whilst Niall attempted to work on his assignment at the desk beside him. Needless to say, Niall was jealous that Liam had gotten a reply this week while he hadn’t. Niall wasn’t sure why he felt so jealous and disappointed; he just put it down to the fact that the letters made him feel special, every reply he got from H made him feel strangely adequate, it made him feel that he was special enough that someone wanted to write him. Even though the logical part of his brain was telling him that H had had no time to reply him this week, Niall still couldn’t help but feel that he did something wrong or maybe he was too forward in his previous letter. Niall knew that not everyone was as comfortable around others as he was and H might not have wanted to disclose his returning dates with someone who was essentially a stranger.

Thankfully Niall was interrupted from his depressive thoughts by Liam, who Niall could tell, had finished reading Zayn’s letter.  “Hey Niall, have a look at this.”

Niall swivelled his chair around to face Liam and said “What is it?”

Liam just smiled and wordlessly handed him the last page of his letter. Niall took the paper from him and looked down at it. There was only a short message written at the very top of the page in a scrawl Niall recognised.

“Liam! It’s H’s handwriting, why are you getting messages in his hand writing??”

“Did you read what it says?” Liam asked his excited friend.

Niall paused, realising that in his excitement he’d not read the message.

Niall,

Sorry for not being able to give you a proper letter. I was just about to start writing back to you when we suddenly got called out for an emergency. I didn’t want to leave you hanging so I’m including this in your mate’s letter.

Will reply you when I get back.

H.

“See I told you there was a perfectly good reason for H not to reply you.” Liam said softly once Niall had finished reading.

“Yeh, I always knew there would be but I couldn’t help it. I feel bad for doubting him.” Niall replied, still looking down at H’s message.

“Are you going to send him a letter this week Niall?”

“Of course I am! I can’t leave him hanging on mail day, maybe I’ll send him a package too to give him something nice to come back to. I might make it a short letter though; I really got to finish this assignment. Stop interrupting me Liam!”

Liam just rolled his eyes and laughed at his friend who now couldn’t stop smiling.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Hi guys, sorry if my depictions of being in the army/army life are inaccurate!!   
Hope you guys enjoy this part anyways! :)

 

Niall and Liam are signed up to a pen pal program through their college writing to soldiers in the British military, given inspiration and guidance by none other than out of commission soldier Louis. Harry and Zayn are the mysterious SAS soldiers on the receiving end of these letters.

Niall has never had anything he’s thought was worth fighting for and Harry just wants to fight for his own cause.

~~

Zayn waited patiently in the mess hall has the names were called for the week’s mail, which surprisingly, Harry had declined to join him, never having missed mail since the pen pal programme had started. Zayn had already collected his letter and was just waiting on Harry’s knowing that Harry would still want his letters. Once he had retrieved Harry’s letter and to his surprise a parcel, Zayn headed back to the barracks to find Harry.

“Harry, I’ve got your mail, you even got a parcel this week!” Zayn tried to sound as excited as possible so as to increase Harry’s interest.

Harry grunted his thanks, took his letter and parcel from Zayn and just placed it on the floor next to his bed before flopping back down.

“Aren’t you going to open them?” Zayn asked getting concerned. Harry had been a bit off since their last mission, but Zayn thought that getting Niall’s letter might have cheered Harry up at least a bit.

 “Nngh” was all the reply Zayn got from Harry, who simply buried his head further in to his pillow.

Zayn sighed “Ok fine, if you won’t open them I’ll open them for you.”

   
Dear H,

I got you message, hope your mission went well. 

p.s I included the picture of me from the festival :D keep in mind, I was a little drunk and I don’t look good when drunk.

Niall

Zayn threw the picture on to Harry’s pillow, next to his face, after he finished reading the message outloud. Harry didn’t comment, but he didn’t like the way Niall’s words sounded with Zayn’s voice, he didn’t why, but it didn’t sit well with him.

“I’m going to the parcel for you now. Ok?”

Zayn took Harry’s silence as consent and began to open the parcel. Zayn laughed when the first thing that fell out were different Cadbury chocolates, followed by packets or Walkers crisps. Zayn’s laugh just grew further when he up ended the parcel at the foot of Harry’s bed and various other candies fell out, along with a few different pens and some letter paper. Zayn fished through the small pile of goodies, looking for the note he spotted falling out.

“Look, Harry, here’s a note.”

Hi H,

I thought I’d give you a nice surprise for when you get back from your mission. I wasn’t sure what kind of things you like, so I got you a bit of everything. Hope that’s ok. Oh and I included some pens and letter paper, I noticed your letters always come on ripped pieces of paper and so I thought you’d like something better to write on.

Enjoy the parcel!  
Niall

“Harry, Niall seems really nice, he sent you all or this.” Zayn gestured at the bottom of Harry’s bunk that was littered with chocolates, candy and crisps. “You’re going to reply him aren’t you?”

“I don’t think I will, not this time, not really in the mood.” Harry’s voice was low and soft, his face still buried in his pillow.

“Harry, I have known you for three years now, we’ve trained together, camped out together, fought together. I know you have my back and you know I have yours. And this is one of the times I’ve got your back. Harry, you should reply Niall. I know the last mission was shit and it was hard on you, but those letters seemed to make you happy. I know for me, writing to Liam helped me distress, it’s weird, but writing to him brought me back.  Just write Niall back.” Zayn patted Harry on the shoulder. “I’m off to get in some sniping practice, don’t forget we’ve got out training run later.”

Harry sat up slowly after he heard Zayn’s footsteps fade, reaching slowly for Niall’s two letters. Harry carefully folded the letters before placing them gently in his journal. With a sigh, Harry swept the contents of the parcel in to his pack, leaving out the new pens and paper.

****************************

Dear Niall, 

Thank you for the letter and the parcel, it was nice of you to do that for me.   
By the way, sorry in advance for this letter, it might end up terrible. 

To be honest I’ve had a pretty shit (if there is a black mark there it’s because I swore) few weeks. The person you’ve been talking to is a different version of me, I think it’s actually the old me, the young innocent 17 year old, pre-army me. I was actually a lot like you and I guess talking to you has reminded me of a different life, like I’ve been given an insight in to the life I might have had. The real me, the one I have a feeling will be coming through in this letter, is a much harder person, detached from most emotion and most definitely disillusioned.

I almost wasn’t going to write you anymore, but I feel like I owe you, you don’t even know me, but you’ve been so nice, just so fucking nice. You hardly get nice out here.

Anyway, you know the last mission I went on, the one that stopped me from replying you last letter? Well it didn’t really go that well. Firstly, we were completely unprepared, normally we’d practice and train for our missions or raids, but this time we didn’t even know where we were going till we were on the way, we didn’t even know what to expect. That’s the worst feeling you know, not know what will be waiting for you when you step out of the helicopter, the only thing you know for certain is that someone will be trying to kill you. 

“Oh my God” Niall couldn’t stop himself from uttering in disbelief, thankful Liam wasn’t around. There was no way he’d be able to explain the emotions coursing through him right now. H’s words were tearing down any residual illusions he had about what H did. His misconceptions and fairytale notions of the military were replaced by a steady determination, its origin and reason even he was unsure of.

While we were in transit to the location, our commander told us that an emergency situation had arisen. I can’t go in to details, but normally, my team wasn’t required to participate in these things, but this time we were told that there due to special circumstances surround the situation, our expertise was required. (I really should find out what I can or can’t tell you, but I’ll just try my luck for now). My team and I are a special kind of team; we specialise in hostage rescue and siege breaking.  Louis used to be in our team, he was our linguist and brilliant negotiator, we really could have used him on this mission, especially his calming presence. 

As I was saying, there wasn’t much time in transit to prepare, we were given the gist of the situation, our mission (rescue target, avoid major casualties, you know, the usual) and then we were thrust in to the action.

Niall let me tell you something, the films have got it all wrong, arriving at the scene of a siege isn’t chaotic, it isn’t loud, it’s a silent and a furious kind of calm. When we got to the site, it was an eerie quite, the civilians having all fled, there was no screaming, no mass panic, just organisation and the quite hum or orders being spoken softly in to mouth pieces and the quite shuffle of men moving in to position and rearranging their weapons. Unfortunately as soon as we arrived, the shit started to hit the fan. It was as if our arrival was the signal, for the other guys and our troops. It was as if we were the catalyst. 

I won’t go in to the details, it’s nothing you need to read about or visualise. All I’ll say is that it was practically a disaster. Our guys got shot to shit, I consider myself and Zayn so lucky to come way mostly unscathed, he got a slight nick along his thigh and I have a couple of shallow shrapnel wounds, but that’s better than most. Actually, in the end, I think the other guys were much worse hit than us. The fight wasn’t as controlled or precise as we were used to, but then again, we’re hardly ever involved in proper battles so I wouldn’t really know how these normally go. I still don’t know exactly what happened. 

I’ve been doing this for quite a while now, so I’m more than acquainted with missions not working out like they’re supposed to and as sad as it is, I’m used to losing guys too. With my profession survival isn’t a guarantee, it’s just a possibility. But this time it was different. We lost a guy last week, we were in the same basic training unit, he was in my troupe and he bunked a few beds over from me Zayn and me here. The thing that made it worse is that he reminded me of you. He was such an optimist, always trying to make our lives happier. He just loved life and lived it with a passion. He also would never stop talking (I’m sure if I were talking to you face to face that you’d be the same). I got that picture of you from the festival; he looked like you too, with your blond hair and blue eyes. But your hair is longer and messier than his and your eyes are a much calmer blue. You know that scare me a little, I’m just so glad you’re far away from here. 

We’ve lost guys before, in situations just like this one, but for some reason I feel different. I used to accept death as part of what I do but now I’m questioning my acceptance of it. This life is all I’ve known for so long that I’ve forgotten how not to live this way. Then you come along telling me all about your amazing, wonderful, normal life. I life I forgot could exist, a life where you don’t have to sleep half awake, where you constantly look over your shoulder or where you have to analyse the risk of every step and calculate the possibility or death with every action. Niall, if I were living you life I’d probably stop and take the time to mourn the death of my friend and questioning the fairness of his death, but I live my life and in my life you accept death and carry on.

I haven’t questioned what I do, nor yearned for a civilian life in a long time, but now I’m beginning to do both. 

Sorry to dump that all on you, I know it’s not fair, but I had to tell someone, someone separate from this life. I’d talk to our CO or one of the counsellor guys but I know what they’ll say and right now a speech about patriotism and the ‘right thing’ won’t help me. 

Harry.


	6. Chapter 6

When Niall had first opened H’s letter he was excited because he noticed that the other boy had used the paper that he had just sent over. He was actually so excited that he had texted Liam telling him as much, but all Liam had replied was to tell him to just read the letter. But now, after reading the letter Niall did not know what to do, he wasn’t sure how to react, and he didn’t even know what to think.

Niall’s fingers danced over the key pad on his phone as he dialled Liam’s number. The second the ringing stopped Niall started to speak “Liam, you’ve got to help me please! Harry’s letter was unbelievable; I really don’t know what to do. I never realise how much they’re going through. I feel like I need to help him but I don’t know what to say.”  
There was a pause once Niall finished speaking in which all that could be heard was Niall’s slightly panicked breathing. 

“Liam?” Niall said softly, when the silence got a bit much for him.

Liam’s sigh came loud and heavy over the phone, “Niall, mate, I’d love to help you, but I’m on a date at the moment...Wait, who’s Harry??”

“Shit, that’s right, I’m sorry I forgot. I'm so sorry.” Niall mentally cursed himself, only just remembering Liam telling him about his date in class that morning, but Harry’s letter had pushed everything else out of his head. “Harry is H, H is Harry!”

“Oh ok. I’m sorry Ni, I’ll come help you as soon as I can. Liam reassured him. And I’ll be wanting to know how you know his name. ” Niall could hear the slight smile in Liam’s voice. 

“Dont rush, enjoy your date. Sorry for interrupting..”

“I know you’re still worried, why don’t you call that Louis guy? He said he’d be glad to help us.”

“Louis? I didn’t think of him! Yeh, I might give him a call. Thanks Liam.” 

“That’s ok, I’ll see you later ok.”

“Of course. Bye Liam”

As soon as Liam hung up, Niall dashed in to his room and rummaged through the papers on his desk, searching for the writing guide from the beginning of the program that he had not bothered with. Finding it under a pile of his recent assignments, he quickly flipped through the pages until he found the ‘useful contacts’ page. After hastily ripping out the page, he half ran half tripped back to the kitchen. Once there he grabbed the phone and dialled the number listed under Louis Tomlinson. It was only when the phone started ringing did Niall realise he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to word his concerns without sounding like the ignorant food that he felt himself to be, but before he knew what was happening a soft lilting voice interrupted his flow of thought.

“Hello, Louis speaking.”

“Oh umm hi, it’s Niall here.” There was a pregnant pause in which Niall realised that Louis probably didn’t remember who he was.”Umm I’m doing the pen pal programme. I ran in to you the other week and you said to call you if I ever needed to talk. “

“Oh yes, you’re the blonde kid aren’t you.” Louis replied

“Yeh! Yeh that’s me.” Niall was relieved that Louis remembered him.

“So Niall, what did you need?” Louis asked

“I need some help with my pen pal. I don’t really know how to respond to his latest letter. He is going through things I don’t really understand and I want to be able to help him, but I just don’t know what to say.” Niall was beginning to get frustrated at himself, if he couldn’t even explain things properly to Louis, how he was supposed to help Harry.

Hearing the frustration beginning to build in Niall’s voice Louis said “It seems like you’re having a hard time there. How about we meet up and you can show me the letter and I’ll try and help you understand what your friend is going through. I’ll be at your college later today, how about we meet around 2 after my meeting?”

“Yes, that would be really great.” Niall was relieved that Louis was going to help him.

“Brilliant!” I’ll give you a text once my meeting is done, but lets say about 2pm outside your deans office? And we can go from there.”

“Sure, I’ll see you then.” Niall hung up and let out a sigh of relief, feeling better already.  
He looked down at Harry’s letter, still sitting on the kitchen bench, a slew of mixed emotions still rushing through him, but now contained by the thought that he would have someone to help him. 

***************************

Dear Harry,   
Firstly I want to say wow, I don’t believe you’ve told me your name. I feel honoured that you’ve trusted me enough to tell me your name. Secondly, I’ve got to be honest with you, when I first read your letter I didn’t know how to react. I was stumped. As much as I’d love to say this letter was all me, I have to admit I got some help. I’m sorry, I feel inadequate now...but I guess i have to say thank you for believing in me enough to tell me these things. 

Harry, your letter made me realise a lot of things. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that I had the stereotypical illusions about what being the army was like, but know I know otherwise. Harry, I wish I could be there for you. I wish I could be there to tell you that the world isn’t that bad a place, maybe where you are right now it is, but out here, where I am, things are better. I’m in awe of you, doing what you do every day, knowing what you do. You are amazing Harry, amazing. 

I spoke to Louis today; I just had to talk to someone about all of this and he did tell us that if we ever needed to talk that we could go to him. He a really nice guy! Really nice to talk to and well now I see why he was you guys negotiator. Yeh he told me about what he used to do and actually what you and Zayn do too. He also told me that its ok that I know all of this and the letters don’t really get screened to badly, only if we reveal sensitive information. He figured I should know what you and Zayn do because it makes it harder to talk to you if I didn’t, something I fully agree with. When he told me that you guys were in part of the special projects team in the SAS I was impressed. You must be such an amazing soldier. By the way, after talking to Louis, I fully understand why he was your negotiator and linguistics guru! Haha he really is good at talking! And you, he told me that you’re the close combat expert and apparently the best shot (apart from Zayn, but he also mentioned you’re a little sensitive about that... sorry!). 

Harry, I think you’re an amazing person and solider and I feel honoured to say that I know you. I'm proud of what you do, you save people. From what Louis told me, I gather that your team specialises in hostage situations. Harry, that’s pretty awesome, your job is to save people! I thought that I should remind you. Don’t forget that what you do is essentially good and the families of all the people you’ve saved are eternally grateful to you even though they’ll never know your name, they’ll never forget what you’ve done for them. I know you yearn for a civilian life but what you do is so much bigger than anything I could ever do. I know it’s hard but you’re part of something big and I wish I could feel like I was having an impact on the world. 

I think as long as you don’t forget your fallen friends, as long as you mourn them in your own way, you’ll be giving them respect. Everyone has their own ways, like you said, the arm has one itself. There is no wrong and right when it comes to these things.   
So essentially what I really wanted to say in this long winded letter of mine is I am here for you if you need to talk, I’ll help you in whatever small way I can (even though I think I fail at this a little). I cant promise I’ll understand what you’re going through or that I’ll know the right thing to say, but I’ll try. 

Niall.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry this is a bit of a short filler chapter! Hope you enjoy anyway

After he read Niall’s letter, Harry could feel the stress of the previous weeks slowly lift. He felt lighter, freer and loved if that were possible. Harry was a realist though, he knew one letter from someone on the other side of the world wasn’t solving his problems, but he was happy enough knowing that a stranger cared enough to talk him through it. Harry had put on the bracelet Niall included in his letter the second it fell out of the envelope and wasn’t planning on ever taking it off. Zayn had teased him a little, but when he saw how Harry stared at it periodically with a silly little smile on his face, he eased off and had taken to ruffling his friend’s hair instead.

Dear Niall,

Thank you so much for your letter, you don’t know how much your words meant to me. I’ve never really had someone who cared about how I was and cared enough about me to try and make me feel better. 

Niall, know that I will cherish and remember your words forever. 

Enough, of these depressing letters though, tell me about your week, even if you did nothing but write essays and study, I still want to know about it. 

Sorry if this letter is short, I’m a bit drained from training today (and these emotions! But don’t tell anyone that last bit).

Oh and yes I told you my name, thought you should know. It didn’t seem fair that you were still talking to a stranger. You mean so much more to me than that. 

Harry.

Zayn watched as Harry finished up his letter to Niall, smiling softly at his friend. He noticed that Harry would occasionally brush his fingers over the bracelet, smiling softly or absent mindedly turn it round and round his wrist as if to remind himself that it actually existed. Since reading Niall’s letter the previous day, Zayn noticed that Harry was slightly different, slightly softer, slightly younger. No one else seemed to notice though, the changes too small for anyone without a trained sniper’s eye to see. Zayn, the friend, was happy for his best friend, but Zayn the soldier was worried, being soft and distracted was a disadvantage if you were a soldier, but it was even worse if you were part of the SAS’s special projects team. Being distracted could get you killed. Zayn sighed as he saw Harry pause, in the middle of cleaning is rifle, starring in to space with that soft smile on his face as he fiddled with the bracelet.

***************

Dear Liam, 

Thank you for your kind words last week. Losing Tristan was hard on all of us, especially Harry, but I guess you must know that already. I’m sure he wrote your friend quite an emotional letter. I must say, whatever your friend wrote back really helped Harry. I didn’t get to read it though; it must have been very personal. This is the first week Harry hasn’t excitedly shown me what Niall wrote to him; instead he immediately tucked the letter in his journal and placed it back in his pack. I’m assuming the message was meant for his eyes only. But I’m glad for whatever Niall decided to say.

Harry has not been able to stop smiling since reading the letter.  It takes some getting used to though, as I’ve told you before, Harry isn’t known for his ‘bubbly personality’ around here…ha! I’m not saying he’s a ball of joy or anything, but compared to before he might as well be.  

The past few weeks have been hard for him, well harder than normal. I’m telling you this in confidence, but Harry isn’t made to be an elite soldier, he feels too much, can’t let the things we do go. He’s not like the rest of us out here, we don’t question our order, we don’t worry too hard when we pull the trigger, we take it all in our stride Harry cares and worries, it’s a good quality, but not one that’s treasured out here. I was beginning to really worry about him, well more than normal, last week though, as much as I tried to talk to him about it, he would let me in. It’s hard trying to be there for him, he just refuses any attempt. I’ve been with him for years now, since basic training, all the way through selection for the SAS, till now. I’m his closest friend here, but even I don’t know too much about him or his life before the army, I only know it wasn’t perfect. I think Louis might know, but Louis somehow seems to know everything. I think writing to Niall has been good for Harry; he seems to be talking well to him and acting more his age than a battle weary soldier. I think expressing himself to a faceless stranger is easier for him. I just hope this helps Harry in the long run. 

Oh and that forever strong bracelet Niall gave him, that was a really nice and touching gesture. You know, Harry immediately put it on and I catch him gazing at it and fiddling with it all the time. I think it really means something to him. I don’t think he’s really had anyone care about him that much. He’s got no tokens of home with him, nothing to hint that he has loved ones waiting for him to come home. Even I have a small faded picture of my family, but he’s brought nothing. Well he doesn’t exactly have no one, he has me and Louis, but I guess that’s different? We can’t really be there for him in the way he wants, we were technically forced in to being there for him at first, but over the years that’s obviously changed. And there’s no guarantee we’ll always be there….if you know what I mean. Liam, it’s so hard watching him struggle through all of this, especially with him not wanting my help. Sometimes seeing him struggle makes me wonder how am I coping. How am I so nonchalant about all this death and violence? Sometimes I realise it might be because Harry and I are built differently, maybe I was made for this life? But then I realise the simple fact that Harry is a better person than me, than the rest of us. I’m not jealous or angry, it’s a simple fact. He has a hard exterior, but that’s a poorly maintained facade, one that crumbles too easily. No one else seems to see it like I do, but I tend to see things others missed, maybe that’s why I’m such a good sniper, or am I only good at seeing these things because I am a good sniper? I’ve told Harry so many times that he needs to leave, needs to apply for a discharge so he can lead that civilian life he dreams of. But every time he answers me with the same ‘ I can’t, I can’t live that life, I’m not made for that, I’m too good at this’.  It’s like he doesn’t think he’s good enough and it frustrates me, because I see what he can’t or more like what he doesn’t want to see. Sometimes, I just don’t understand him. 

Ugh, enough of my horrible internalising! Tell me how your date went! Did you end up using my suggestion and taking her for the traditional dinner and movie first date or did you use the more romantic picnic in the park idea?? Tell me everything haha you owe me because I technically was the one who convinced you that you should ask her out!

xx Zayn

P.S.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry this chapter is a bit short, its a bit of a filler chapter in a sense. Enjoy!!

Dear Harry, 

I’m glad my letter helped you. To be honest I was really worried I’d say the wrong thing! Haha I was a little stressed, but it was worth it in the end, you feeling better and all.

I feel quite honoured that you’ll always cherish my words. It means something to me that my words managed to help an awesome and accomplished soldier like you. I feel all nice and warm and special inside (yes I do have a cheesy grin on my face and yes, I am aware how horribly cheesy that  
sounds, but I don’t care!!)

So you wanna know about my week? Well, it wasn’t anything exciting. I attempted to go to all my classes, but only made it to 85% of them. In my defence, I only missed the stupid 8am classes (don’t tell Zayn though! I’m sure he’ll tell Liam and I don’t want Liam to know, he’ll tell me off…haha we sound like a TV soap opera or something).Having to wake up at 6.30 when it’s cold and still dark outside does not make class any more appealing. Ohh I hope this doesn’t make me sound insensitive….sorry!!

Anyway, aside from boring uni stuff, I didn’t really do much else. I hung out with Liam a couple of times, we gamed it one night (fifa all the way!), watched the football the other night. Oh and last night we went and saw the new Die Hard film. You gotta love Bruce Willis, he’s the man!! I also met up with Louis the other day, I almost forgot about that! He’s a good guy, real easy to talk to you know. We get along quite well, he’s just like my friends and I, he’s in to football and he loves playing fifa, just your average guy. It feels a bit odd how similar he is, considering he’s a battle hardened solider if you know what I mean? But anyway, I met up with him for a pint and we got talking about you and Zayn and the army in general. It was nice hearing about it from his perspective, I think I have a much better understanding now. He told me about your team and how you specialise in hostage situations. I thought it was interesting how you all have your specific roles, like how you’re the closet combat and demolition specialist and Zayn’s your sniper and signals guy and Damien is your medic and Louis was your linguistics specialist/negotiator. You guys are actually doing something amazing out there, something good. He was also telling me how being in the army wasn’t all about shooting and killing and all that stuff that makes it in to the movies. I thought it was cool that you guys often are deployed on peace keeping missions where you help the locals feel safe and you assist in getting their infrastructure back up and running and all that jazz :) 

I’m getting a bit excited now….Louis said recruitment officers are coming around to my college soon. I think I might go and have a chat to them. I’m thinking of signing up at the end of the year when my course if over, I feel like it would be a good thing to do.

What do you think??

Niall

***  
Dear Niall,

What do you mean you want to sign up???

Trust me Niall, Louis isn’t telling you the whole story, he could never explain it all even if he tried and it isn’t something you can casually tell a civilian. You really don’t have any idea what it’s like out here, you think you do, but you seriously don’t. Even though our team isn’t a specialist offensive team and we’re stationed nowhere near the front line, we still see death and fighting almost every day.  Did my last letter not show you this? Do you want to know how many people I’ve killed? I’m not yet 21 and I’ve killed more people than I can count. Yes I’ve saved a few, but it’ll never compare to how many I’ve. It’s not all sunshine and roses out here no matter what Louis tells you. You should never take him seriously, he has a tendency for spinning stories and for never being honest about how bad things are, great qualities for a hostage negotiator but terrible qualities when you want advice. Plus you’re forgetting, we’re a specialist team in the SAS Niall, if you signed up, you’d be probably be another grunt on the front line, in the middle of all the fighting.

I honestly still cannot get my head around the fact you’d willingly consider signing up, especially since you know what it is like for us out here. Niall, I don’t believe you could be that stupid. You are pretty much living the life I dream of living but you’d willingly give it up for this half life I have, I just don’t understand why. If I, or even Zayn or Louis had that going for us, we never would have joined, but we didn’t have a choice. You want to know why I signed up? My parents died when I was a baby and I grew up with my grandparents, but they could barely afford to take care of themselves let alone a child. My grandfather died when I was 17 and my grandmother didn’t know what to do with herself. We were barely surviving on her pension money. I couldn’t find a job and I was getting desperate so when the recruitment officers came to my school I signed up straight away. I had dreams Niall, I wanted to go to university, I wanted to travel the world, but I couldn’t do those things, you can. Zayn’s situation was similar to mine you could say. He didn’t have the best childhood and he didn’t come from the best part of town. When he was 16 he got involved with a local gang and things went downhill from there. When he turned 18, he got in quite big trouble with the law, considering he’d been in and out of juvi too many times he should have been sent straight to jail, but the he was lucky. The judge offered him a deal, either go to jail or join the army. Of course you know what Zayn picked. I guess joining was good for him, it gave him the discipline he needed and he excelled, but on some days, when things out here get really bad, he tells me he wishes he picked jail. Louis, on the other hand, is a whole different story. Has he told you he comes from a military family? Both his father and grandfather were decorated soldiers and as the only son, Louis was expected to sign up. He once told me, that he dreamed of becoming a teacher, but the family pressure too much and so he signed up. You see Niall, we didn’t have a choice, most guys out here don’t, but you do and you would exchange your life for this? I just don’t understand. 

Don’t be stupid Niall, don’t sign up. I don’t care how much trouble I’ll get in for trying to tell you not to sign up. You’re not cut out for this life anyway, don’t make a stupid decision. You have to listen to me.

Harry

Zayn had been watching Harry furiously scribbling his response to Niall for a few minutes. It was easy for Zayn to see how frustrated and worked up Harry was, but he waited until Harry finally set his pen down before approaching him. 

“Harry, mate” Zayn said quieter than normal, “Is everything alright? You seem out of sorts .”

Harry took a deep breath, composing himself, before looking up at Zayn “Niall wants to sign up, he wants to join the army.”

“Ok?” Zayn said slowly, trying to formulate a response, “to each his own I guess?”

“To each his own?!” Harry said furiously “ No Zayn, he can’t sign up, this world would ruin him.” 

“Haz, Niall is a grown man, I pretty sure he would have thought this through, he knows what it’s like out here, you’ve told him. I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.”

“No, he doesn’t really know!” Harry was nearly shouting “I won’t let him sign up.”

Zayn sighed, “Harry you can’t stop him from doing anything. I know you care about him, but telling him no won’t work.”


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Harry,  
I respect your opinion and know you feel strongly about this issue, but please respect that I am my own person and I’m allowed to make my own choices.

Ugh Liam made me write that part, he said mine had too many swear words. But I agree with him I guess but in way less nice words. 

Firstly I'm really really insulted that you kept calling me stupid in your last letter. You don’t even know me Harry, you don’t have any right to call me stupid. You think I’d take a decision like this lightly? Of course I did my research! I know it won’t be easy. Secondly, you don’t seem to think I'm good enough do you? But you forget you’ve never met me, you actually barely even know me, so how the hell do you think you can make that call?   
I trusted you, I’ve always been open with you and I thought you were a decent guy and I thought we were friends even. But now I don’t know. 

Look if you’re still going to be shitty don’t bother replying. Actually don’t bother replying at all. 

Niall.

 

Niall felt a warm hand on his shoulder as he signed off his final letter.

“Hey Nialler” Liam began, his tone soft “You sure you don’t want Harry to write back?”

“Of course I want him to write back Li, but not if he’s going to be angry again. I don’t know why he’s so mad.”

“I’m sure he’s got a good reason. He’s probably like you, not as good at expressing himself through writing.” Liam said as he pulled Niall up for a hug, pretending not to notice the tears budding in Niall’s eyes. 

~~

Normally Harry made a point of read Niall’s letters just before a mission as they tended to make his mind wander and he couldn’t afford to be distracted on a mission. But for some unbeknownst reason he made an exception this week. It was just supposed to be a routine patrol, lots of walking for hours and doing not much else he reasoned. But of course the Niall’s letter had to contain the one thing Harry did not want to read, Niall didn’t want him writing back anymore, but thinking back to his last letter, Harry shouldn’t have been surprised. Niall’s hurt and anger were so clearly evident and it stung Harry even more so knowing that it was entirely his fault. To top it off, he didn’t understand how things had escalated so quickly. Of course Zayn had told him that with a subject as touchy as signing up for the army, things were bound to escalate but Harry wasn’t in the mood to listen to Zayn, not today. When the call to move out came, instead of having a clear head, Harry’s mind was consumed with their argument and Niall’s last words, something Harry never allowed before a mission, but since it was just a routine patrol it wouldn’t be so bad Harry had reasoned.

The patrol began as it was supposed to, a 5km march to the outskirts of the village by which they were based. It was when they got out in to the dessert proper that things started to be less routine. Their Humvee broke down and their commander ordered a quarter of the crew to stay behind to fix and guard it whilst the rest of the crew carried on with the patrol. With the reduction in numbers, their formation changed, meaning Harry and Zayn were ordered to be part of the rear guard. Rear guard was a position Harry normally didn’t mind, but with his thoughts constantly straying to and swirling around a blond boy back home, Harry knew he was going to struggle to pay attention to his surroundings. 

Of course Harry was completely shocked when he heard Zayn’s yell of ‘Grenade!” but by the time he realised what was happening it was too late. 

The next thing Harry knew, he was lying on the ground, his ears ringing and his body numb, his sense of time and space distorted. 

“Zayn” Harry tried yelling but his voice coming out barely audible above the sounds of gunfire. Harry had never witnessed a gun fight, sure he’d been in countless, but he’d never been just a spectator. It was a weird experience, the sound of the guns seeming louder and more intense. Each explosion echoed in his chest and through his body, leaving an acute burning sensation in his midriff region. Harry was so focused on feeling these sensations wash over him that he didn’t realise someone was next to him until he felt a hand on his side. Harry turned his head and was glad to see it that it was Zayn.

“Zayn” he whispered, “What’s going on?”

“Ambush” Zayn chocked out, pressing his hands to Harry’s mid section “But it’s over now, they retreated.”

“Oh” Harry, closed his eyes for a moment, tiredness suddenly washing over him. “I think I’ve been in the army too long.”

“Why?” Zayn’s voice suddenly sounded far away but close all at the same time.

“Cos I could feel it all in my bones, like I was psychicly part of the fight.”

“Haz,” Zayn’s voice broke just a little “Haz, you feel that way cos you’re hurt.”

“But I don’t feel hurt.”

With his eyes closed, he missed the look of panic that passed across Zayn’s face.

“Harry, Haz!” Zayn shook he shoulder ever so slightly “Don’t close your eyes Haz, keep them open.”

Harry slowly blinked open his eyes, his mind clearing somewhat. “Z, I know that look on your face, you only make it when you’re about to make a kill shot you don’t want to.”

When Zayn only put more pressure on his abdomen instead of replying, Harry said “It is that bad Z? Am I dying?”

Zayn’s gaze hardened “NO!” he shouted “You’re not dying Harry, there’s no way in hell you’re doing that. Back up is almost here, they’re going to help you. You’re just bleeding a bit” 

Harry twisted his lips in a small smile “That says it all. I'm sorry Z.”

“‘S not your fault.” Zayn lifted a bloodied hand to stroke Harry’s check, painting it red.

“Z, can you do something for me.” Harry barely managed to whisper.

“Anything”

“Tell Niall I’m sorry. Tell him I'm sorry for getting mad. Tell him I didn’t think he was stupid. Tell him I didn’t want him to sign up cos I didn’t want him to get hurt cos I like him too much and tell sorry I never got to know him better.” Harry closed his eyes, his breath coming out in quite gasps. 

“No Harry, I won’t tell him because you are going to make it and you’re to go home and be able to tell him for yourself. I promise.”

~~

When his phone rings at an odd hour of the night, Liam reaches over and picks it up out of habit. It’s only when he hears static sounding crackle does he realise that he’s just answered the phone at 3am. 

“Hello? Look if you’re not going to say anything I'm going to hand up, it’s bloody 3am for god sake.” 

“Liam?” the stranger on the other end of the line has a deep scratchy sounding voice.

“Yes....”Liam was getting impatient now.

“Umm hi, it’s Zayn.”

“Zayn?” Liam’s sleep addled brain didn’t want to cooperate with him “but Zayn’s in a far away country somewhere else in the world though.” 

An echoy chuckle came down the line. “Yeh I am in a far away country on the other side of the world.”

“Oh my God” Liam exclaimed, sitting up properly in bed “wow, ok this is different. Umm, but can I ask why you’re using up your phone time on me?”

There was a pause, before Liam heard Zayn sigh and say “Harry’s injured, badly” 

Liam clutched the phone close to his ear, unable to say anything.

“They don’t know if he will make it. I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t. I felt so helpless, I couldn’t do anything but hold his hand as he slowly bled out. I'm telling you putting pressure on wounds does jack shit when blood just seems to come from everywhere.”  
Zayn took a deep breath “Harry wanted me to pass on a message to Niall for him if he didn’t make it, but I told him I wouldn’t because he’d be able to tell Niall himself. At this point, I'm not too sure if that will happen. As much as it hurts to say this, can you please tell Niall that Harry is sorry for hurting and upsetting him and he wishes he handled everything differently and tell Niall Harry never disliked or hated him. And just between you and me, I think Harry was beginning to have a crush on Niall, but please don’t tell anyone I told you this.”

“Hey Zayn, don’t worry, Harry will be ok.” Liam said voice shaky and breathy.

“Liam, I'm not usually an overly religious man, but please pray that Harry will make it.”

“I will Zayn, I will.”

Zayn’s voice was tired sounding when he spoke again “I’ve got to go Li, I’ve to got save my minutes so I can call Harry’s mum, I don’t want her to find out in those official cold letters the army sends to families.”

“Ok bye. Zayn, if you need me I’ll be here for you.”

~~ 

Dear Harry,

Liam told me what happened. Please still be alive....  
I’m so sorry I was so angry with you in my last letter. Liam says that my temper is too short and I’m too spontaneous and I've never agreed with him till now. I think I acted too rashly and my words were too harsh. I’m so sorry. I'm still hurt at what you said but I want you to know I never hated you.   
I really hope that you’re ok Harry. I need you to be ok. My weeks revolve around your letters now, I don’t know when that happened, but it did. I’m not sure what I’ll do if your letters don’t happen anymore...

Niall


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This part was actually supposed to be twice as long, but I’ve split it in 2. Mostly because I didn’t want to make you wait longer for an update because I couldn’t write it all in time. Hope you like it and sorry it took so long : )

Harry hated hospitals, he hated the impersonal feeling of them, but most of all, he hated the feeling of utter loneliness of waking up for the first time, lost and confused, with no one next to you. What made it even worse for Harry was that being in hospital meant something bad had happened and in Harry’s experience it meant you were probably on the brink of death, otherwise you’d still be out in the field hospital. Harry had woken groggy, thirsty and in pain all over. He knew he was in hospital the minute he opened his eyes, the white sterileness of the room assaulting his eyes. As much as he tried, Harry could not for the life of him, remember how or why he was there, but he didn’t stay awake long enough though to find out, he only managed 5 minutes of consciousness before his eyes started to droop again.

The next time Harry woke, he felt more coherent, his head was less fuzzy, but he still drew a blank as to how he got there.

“Hello sleepy head”

Harry whipped his head around in shock; as far as he was concerned he was the only person in the room.

Louis smiled down at him “Woah, you might want to take it easy there champ.” Louis said.

“Hey” Harry managed to croak out weakly before breaking out in a coughing fit. This was another reason Harry hated hospitals, you always woke up with a horrid dry feeling in your throat that just wouldn’t go away.

“Here” Louis handed him a tall glass of water with a straw which Harry almost grabbed for.

Once harry had finished hungrily gulping down the water, Louis helped him sit up properly in the bed and asked “So, how do you feel?”

Harry, shifted, trying to get slightly more comfortable, aware of the ache in his chest. “Well, honestly, I feel like shit, but I have the feeling you know that. What happened to me?

Louis took a deep breath and Harry got an awful feeling that something bad had happened. “Lou, did something happen to Zayn? Where is he? Is he ok?”

“Zayn’s fine, don’t worry about him.” Louis reassured.

Harry lay back in to his pillows in relief “Ok, good. So how bad am I then? You’ve got your worried face on.”

“I do not have a worried face” Louis squawked in protest.

Harry just glared at him, waiting for his answer

Louis sighed again and rubbed a hand over his face “It’s pretty bad Haz, you’ve been out for about 2 weeks. They transferred you here about a week ago because your condition had deteriorated so severely that they couldn’t deal with it out there. Everyone is surprised that you woke up so soon”

“Oh” was all Harry could say, he’d never been injured badly enough to need an emergency transfer home before. “What happened?

“Do remember any of it? Louis asked

“I remember going out on a patrol and I think we got ambushed? But I don’t remember the fight.”

“That’s right, you did get ambushed. It wasn’t too big a fight and your team didn’t take too long to get it under control.” Louis explained.

“Oh, I think I remember a bit of that, it didn’t feel like it lasted too long. But Lou, what happened to me? I don’t remember fighting or getting hit.”

“You didn’t fight.” Louis told him “When they threw grenades at the start, you were standing in the wrong place at the wrong time. From what Zayn saw, one landed about 25 meters from where you were standing and you didn’t even react. It blew before he could get you out of the way. Your lung was punctured, you cracked a couple of your ribs, multiple cuts and scrapes and worst of all a piece of debris hit you in the chest. Haz, the doctors said it missed your heart by 2 inches! You were so close to bleeding out.”

There was silence after Louis finished talking; Harry was trying to absorb what he had been told.

“Haz, why did you move?” Louis lowered his voice considerably and moved grasp Harry’s shoulder.

“I don’t know” Harry said slowly “I don’t remember ever seeing a grenade.”

“That’s not like you Haz, you were the most vigilant of us all. What happened?” Louis’ brow was furrowed with concern.

Harry was silent for a second, debating whether or not to tell Louis about his fight with Niall.

“Haz?”

Louis’ concern finally broke through and with a defeated air Harry said “I read Niall’s letter before the patrol. We had a stupid fight and he was, is” Harry corrected himself “so angry with me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I guess it distracted me? Please don’t blame him Louis”

Louis ran a hand through his hair, musing it up, “The lot of you are idiots you know that? And don’t worry Harry, I’m not blaming anyone here”

The boys sat for a while longer, catching up and talking about the plans for Harry’s recovery till Harry began to tire.

“Hey Lou,” Harry began

“You’re tired aren’t you mate?” Louis interrupted with a smile.

“Yeh” Harry nodded.

“Ok, I’ll leave you to rest; I’ve got to head to a meeting at a college soon too. I’ll come round tomorrow k?”

“Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow Lou.” Harry said tiredly.

As Louis was stepping out the door, he stopped and turned “Oh I forgot, I have letter for you from Zayn” he said as he pulled the letter out from his back pocket. “I’ll leave it on your table, you can read it later.”

“Thanks Lou”

“No worries mate.”

“One more thing Lou” Harry asked nervously

“Yes..?”

“Can you please contact Niall for me? I need to tell him sorry.” Harry’s eyes were downcast, too embarrassed to look at Louis.

Louis chuckled and reached over to ruffle Harry’s curls, “Don’t worry Haz, he’ll be so relieved you’re ok. Bye now Haz.”

“Bye.”

~~

The next few weeks of Harry’s stay in hospital consisted of periodic visits from Louis and a few from his superiors, debriefing him on the attack and informing him of their plans for him after his recovery. Louis had told Harry that he’d spoken to Niall, but university exams were on and Niall just didn’t have the time to visit, but promised he would the second his exams were finished. When Harry had asked if Niall had sent him a letter, Louis simply shook his head and told him Niall wanted to talk to him in person, which had made Harry very nervous. By the time his 3rd week in hospital rolled around, Harry was going stir crazy, not used to being immobile for such a long time. He’d reread Zayn’s letter a million times, but still couldn’t get over his words.

Dear Harry,

How you doing? They told me you’ve woken up. I’m so glad you’ve woken up Haz, so so glad. You scared me, I thought I was going to lose my best mate. Please don’t do that again, I don’t know if I could handle that again.

Oh by the way, since you were lucky enough to get sent home, I think you should make the most of it. You should meet Niall, try and make up with him and all that. I know you still want to meet him. I’ve told Liam you’re home, he’ll probably want to meet you too, he seemed excited.

Things here are about the same, the boys were a bit shaken though. They thought you were invincible, not sure where they got that idea from though...We’re on higher alert now, but that’s about it. Can’t wait till you’re back, Conor is shitty company compared to you.

Love,  
Zayn.

P.S. I think all of this happened for a reason. You were meant to get sent home, you’re meant to meet Niall and make up with him. Don’t let this opportunity go to waste!

~~

Niall hesitated, his hand resting on the doorknob; Harry was on the other side of the door, a few small steps away. His pen pal Harry, soldier Harry, Harry who was mad at him, Harry who got injured and Harry who Niall just couldn’t stop thinking about, that Harry just a door away, and yet Niall just couldn’t turn the handle and he didn’t know what was stopping him. He’d been there, on the wrong side of the door for almost 10 minutes, attempting to psyche himself up, when the door was pulled inwards, away from his grasp and he was faced with a doorway full of Louis.

“Oh hey Niall!” Louis greeted with a warm smile. “Here to see Haz are you?”

“Hey, ummm yeh I am” Niall stuttered trying to slow his breathing.

“Awesome!” Louis lowered his voice conspiringly before continuing “He’s been quite excited to see you” Louis moved out of the doorway “go ahead.”

Niall moved to take Louis’ spot in the doorway, but was pushed inside by Louis who shouted a “Bye guys” before closing the door.

Niall let out a breath as he steeled himself to meet Harry for the first time. As he face Harry properly, Niall didn’t know where to look, he knew Harry was badly injured, but this was not quite how he had pictured it. He was not prepared fot the bruised, pale boy that was laid out before him. Half of Harry’s face was still a slightly swollen mosaic of the mottled yellow and green of fading bruises. Niall assumed the rest of Harry the was currently hidden by his sheets was just as bad, if not worse. Niall had never pictured Harry looking as young or as vulnerable as he did right then and he just could not get over it.

“Hey” Harry had to clear his voice before continuing “Hey Niall”

Harry’s voice was something Niall had never considered all those times he day dreamed about meeting Harry, but hearing it now, Niall feel just a little bit in love with it. “Hi” was all he managed to squeak out, his previous apprehension returning tenfold.

“Do you want to come in properly and sit down or something? Harry gestured toward the chair next to his bed. “You don’t have to sit down or anything, I mean, you can if you feel like it.”

“Oh yeh, nah chair is good” Niall said, rushing to sit on the chair to save them both further embarrassment.

Once he was seated, Niall couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing up and down, betraying his nervousness. Not liking the expectant silence, Niall clear his throat and said “Umm, so..how you feeling?”

If it were any other person asking, on any other given day, Harry would have snorted and replied with a chopped ‘how do you think I'm feeling’, but this was Niall, a Niall who was clearly trying so hard to make the situation normal. So Harry decided on a safer, neutral answer “I’m feeling better, still sore all over, but better.”

When Niall responded with a small smile, Harry knew he picked the right thing to say.

“Well that’s good then.” Niall paused, unsure how to start the conversation he knew neither of them wanted to say.

“So...”

“Niall..”

Both boys stopped and looked at each other, sheepish looks adorning both their faces.

“Niall, I just need to say something” Harry said determinedly. “Can I please go first?”

Niall nodded in response, allowing Harry to speak.

“I want to tell you that I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that you were stupid and I shouldn’t have gotten so mad at you. I didn’t mean to, it just came out and I don’t know why. I’m really really sorry.”

Niall kept his eyes downturned, completely focused on a little thread he found at the corner of Harry’s sheets, not really knowing how to respond.

“Niall?” Harry’s voice was so so soft and Niall couldn’t help but feel bad.

“I’m sorry too” He whispered, half to himself, half to Harry. Niall, straightened and abandoned the thread he’d been fiddling with. Looking Harry properly in the eyes he said “I shouldn’t have reacted as badly as I did, I was just really hurt. My whole life people have always told me I wasn’t good or smart enough to fulfil my dreams and now when I thought I’d finally found something I could do, something I could be part of, I was so excited. But when you wrote me, tearing down all my dreams and saying the exact same things as everyone else, I was so hurt and so mad. I'm sorry for that Harry, it wasn’t fair, you didn’t know.”

When he finished speaking, Niall found his thread again and focused on it once more, not really wanting to see Harry’s reaction.

Harry’s quiet sigh verberated through the room, shattering the tentative, nervous atmosphere that had surrounded the boys.

“Louis was right, we’ve been a couple of right twats haven’t we?”

Niall looked up, not quite expecting Harry to say that “Yeh I guess?”

Harry smiled properly, his first proper smile in what felt like forever. “Can we pretend this didn’t happen? I mean I need you to know I’m really sorry, but I’d like if we can just forget the past few weeks?”

Niall laughed “I don’t think you’re injuries will let us forget the last few weeks, but sure ok, we’ll just put it behind us”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I hope you still like this chapter. It was inexplicably hard to write! and I don't really like the way it turned out.  
> Sorry if it's bad.....

“Harry!” A bright blonde ball of energy came bouncing in to Harry’s room.

Harry looked up from the forms he was reading unfazed. After Niall had found out that Harry didn’t really have any family to visit him, Niall was an almost daily feature, bringing movies to watch and music for Harry to listen to, whilst he was stuck in his horrible hospital bed. Niall visited so often, even Harry’s doctors and nurses knew him well. Some days, Liam would accompany Niall, resulting in much laughter and banter, leaving Harry amazed at how ordinary and normal everything was. After getting to know Liam a little better, Harry could see why Zayn got along so well with the other boy.  Liam was warm, kind and unbelievably genuine, things Zayn never really got a chance to experience. Not only that, but Liam was ridiculously hilarious and ditsy, but in an endearing kind of way. Liam was good for Zayn and Harry was glad Zayn had someone to keep him grounded.

“Hey Niall” Harry greeted, a large grin slowly taking over his face.

“You get outta here today!!” Niall said as he bounced eagerly on his toes.  

Harry resisted the urge to laugh at Niall’s actions “It’s not that exciting, I’m just going to be living at base, with nothing to do, it’s about the same as being here.”

A horrified expression replaced the excited grin Niall had been wearing, which had Harry finally bursting out in laughter. “It’s not that bad at base Niall, just not very exciting.”

“Oh I’m not making a face at that!” Niall quickly corrected. “I just don’t believe you think you won’t have anything to do!”

Harry raised an eyebrow; waiting for the explanation that a few short weeks of getting to know Niall had taught him was going to come.

“You’re technically on leave yeh??”

Harry shook his head slightly.

“Ok fine, you’re on a recovery recuperation absence type thingy?” Niall attempted.

“Something like that.” Harry gave a wry smile; he was beginning to enjoy forgetting about his job.   

“Well what ever it’s called, its like being on leave!”

“Not really, I still have to report for training and fitness checks and periodic check ups to ensure my recovery is going smoothly.” Harry interrupted.

Niall leaned down to whack Harry across the arm. “Would you let me finish? And next time if you’re going to interrupt me, at least don’t be so proper about it!” Niall stood, arms crossed, the picture of seriousness, until he stuck his tongue out at Harry.

Harry guffawed at the sight, but upon seeing Niall’s playful glare, Harry nodded in submission.

“Right well, as I was saying, it’s essentially like leave. And well, I thought, since you were free-ish, and didn’t have much else to do, I figured, we could hang out and stuff, like you know, outside and do things?” Niall’s previous bounce and shine slowed faded as he struggled to form a coherent sentence.

When Harry didn’t respond, Niall finally stilled completely for the first time since entering the room and said “Sorry, I thought you might want to hang out, you said you wished you lived my life and I thought this might be a good opportunity for you to live it.”

Harry opened his mouth, only to close it again; he could not find words appropriate enough to convey what he felt.  “No no no, that actually sounds brilliant, perfect even.” Harry apologised “Sorry, I just didn’t know what to say, it was honestly completely unexpected.”

Niall just starred at Harry for a moment, all blank expressioned and bounceless, making Harry contemplate the possibility that he might have just broken the bright, shiny, energiser bunny machine that was Niall Horan.  But before Harry got properly worried, Niall burst out in peals of unabashed laughter.  

“What’ is so funny??” Harry asked, confused as to how the situation was that funny. But Niall simply shook his head and carried on laughing.

Harry narrowed his eyes at his laughing friend, deciding to poke his side in retribution.

“Ooi!!” Niall managed to squeeze out breathlessly “Stop!! Ticklish, not.....helping!”

Harry pulled back his hand “You do realise that I expect an explanation now that you’ve finally stopped laughing?”

Niall let out a sigh of relief. “Man that was some work out. Anyway explanation? Oh yeh, it was so funny because, I’d always pictured you as this bad ass soldier who was really big and confidant and all that. But in reality you’re all awkward and cautious and just cute!” Niall grinned at Harry “And and I don’t believe you’d think I’d not want to keep hanging out with you once you were discharged.”

Harry glared up at Niall, “How is that funny? I think you might have just insulted my manhood?”

~~

_Dear Zayn,_

_The past couple of weeks have been a little crazy. It’s so weird having Harry here and seeing him in the flesh, it’s a bit surreal for me, I can’t even imagine how it feels for Niall. I wish we could have met him in better circumstances though._

_Oh before I go any further, I should probably update you on his progress.  He’s doing really really well.  He got discharged from hospital 2 weeks ago, but he’s got to go back every week or so for checkups.  He’s on recovery leave for a month, but because of his regular check up there wasn’t much point in him going home, so he’s being set up in some off base accommodation, I can’t remember what it’s called sorry. Once his 4 weeks are up, they’ve got him schedule for a couple of fitness tests and 2 weeks of training. They say, if everything goes according to plan, he’ll be back with your team in 4-5 weeks.  Personally I don’t see much point in sending him back out when you guys are due home in 6 weeks, but I guess it’s not really my place to say anything._

_Now that I’ve gotten to know him, I completely see what you mean. The other night, he came to Niall and I’s biannual end of semester Fifa tournament. It was brilliant, he fit in perfectly with all of our crazy uni mates, it was perfect, but if felt like he was holding back, it was like he didn’t want to let himself fit in, like he didn’t think he should be allowed to have the opportunity. It was the perfect example of what you said, he’s not in the army because he wants to be, he’s there because it’s easy. It’s almost as if he’s scared he wont be able to cope without all the structure and command lines you guys have. But even though I’ve just met him, I have the feeling he’d be able to do anything he sets his mind to, he just needs to believe in himself more._

_On a slightly different note, you don’t have to worry about him getting bored or lonely while he’s here, well not if Niall has anything to say about it.  You should see the huge list of things Niall has planned, its a little crazy and definitely over the top and if you ask me, they aren’t going to do the majority of that list._

_But here is a copy of that list anyway:_

_-Go karting_  
-Paintball  
-Going to a live football game (we’re going to be doing this one this weekend)  
-Convincing Louis to let Niall shoot a live firearm (thankfully I think both Louis and Harry have already vetoed this one!)  
-Go to a uni dorm party (I think our fifa tournament counted for this one)  
-Play beer pong  
\- Get spectacularly drunk during re-o week  
-Go to an off campus house party  
-Crash a frat party  
-Roadtrip  
-Get high (I’m really trying to get this one vetoed)  
\- Sneak in to an exclusive rooftop party (I don’t know how he thinks this is going to work)  
\- Stay up all night watching movies or gaming  
-Go to the cinema and sneak in to as many movies as possible without getting caught  
-Drinking in a hot tub  


_As you can see Niall is a little crazy, but I think he’s trying to give Harry the proper university experience that he keeps going on about. To be honest, half these things look like ideas for dates, especially the last one; I don’t even know why that one is even there. I’m beginning to think Niall has a crush on your Harry! Which is hilarious, because at the rate these two are going, they’re going to be dating without either of them realising!_

_They technically had their first ‘date’ the night Harry was discharged, Niall was that eager to start on his list. Niall invited him over and they stayed up all night watching movies and playing games. They ended up falling asleep on the couch together, it actually was adorable!_

_Anyways I should probably end this letter as it is getting too long!! I’ll update you on Harry’s recovery after his next check up._

_Liam._

~~                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Niall collapsed on to the couch, the creased paper in his hand, crinkling even more.

“Ok, so we’ve done everything we can on this list!” he said to Harry, who had opted to occupy the recliner next to the couch.

Harry laughed easily, “Some of those things were a mission, who knew it would be so hard to sneak in to a rooftop party!”

Niall grinned “It was worth it though! But for an elite soldier, you really do fail at blending in!”

Harry sat up and glared at Niall “In my defence, never once have I had to fake being insulted that a huge hulk of a man did not recognise me for being the illegitimate love child of Mick Jagger! I never trained for this!”

Niall burst out laughing “Oh man you should see your face! You look so insulted!!”

Harry huffed and crossed his arms.

“Ha! That’s the Harry I knew!” Niall managed to get out between laughs.

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Harry asked, his eyebrow raised at Niall.

“When we first met you this big serious soldier guy and you didn’t really smile so much. But now, you’re all happy and chatty, you’re just like me!”

“Oh..” Harry said, shrinking in on himself.

Niall looked and shifted across the couch to be closer to Harry’s recliner “Sorry Haz, I meant it as a good thing really”

“I know, but I wish I wasn’t that way to start with.” Harry said quietly.

“Don’t worry, I’ll help you stay this way.” Niall said, grinning at Harry as best he could. “Oh and, by the way, we have one more thing left to do before you head back to base full time.”

“One more thing?” Harry asked “I thought we were done?”

“Well the list is done, but there is something I didn’t put on it, but promised we would do.”

“What is it?”

Niall paused, “Remember when I wrote you about that festival I went to?”

Harry nodded slowly.

“And then you said you’d never been to one and then I said I’d take you if you ever come to London?”

Harry nodded again, realisation slowly spreading across his face.

“Yeh, but unfortunately I couldn’t find a festival on that we can go to, so I just got us concert tickets instead.”

“Really?!” Harry exclaimed, barely able to stop himself jumping out of his seat. “Niall, that’s amazing, you really didn’t have to do that.”

“Don’t worry about it Haz. Plus you’re unbelievably over due for your first concert experience.”

“So who are we going to see? And when is it? I’ve got to report to base at 1400 hours tomorrow.” Harry said

“We’re going to see Rita Ora, she was the only artist that had a concert on in London at this time. Oh and ummm, we’re going tonight.”

Harry starred at Niall, “Tonight? It’s already 4.30 Niall.”

Niall laughed awkwardly “Yeh, sorry about that. I only managed to get the tickets this morning; it was hard trying to get all this together in time.”

Harry shook his head “You’re the best, but simultaneously the worst you know that?”

“Sorry?” Niall said tentatively.

~~

_Dear Harry,_

_I hope this gets to you before you deploy out again!!_

_I know we said goodbye and everything last week, but I thought I’d tell you again how much fun it’s been hanging out with you and getting to know you. You’re an amazing guy and a really great friend!!_

_So good luck and stay safe out there! And write me back as soon as you can._

_Love,_   
_Niall._

_P.S. I’ve included your wrist band from the concert; I know you were annoyed that you’d accidentally left it behind. Wear it and let it remind you of all the good times!_

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

 

_Dear Harry,_

_Is it weird being back out in the field after being off for so long? It must be weird yeh? I hope things are nice and peaceful out there so you have a cruisey month before you’re back. Zayn must be happy that you’re back with him. Liam tells me he was so worried about you when you were away. He sounds like a really good guy; I hope I get a chance to meet him when you guys come home._

_You know, I kind of miss having you around.....is that weird? I mean I got so used to just hanging out with you and being able to talk to you when I feel like it. The other day Liam and I got invited to a party that was held on a rooftop and I reminded me of the time we tried to sneak in to that rooftop party and I went to text you about it, but I remembered that I couldn’t. It’s not so bad now though, I guess I’ve gotten used to it. It was hard though, having to go back to when we just wrote each other, but the upside is we know each other properly now : D_

_Liam and I have been getting to know Louis more; we’ve all hung out with him and Tom a couple of times. Do you know Tom? Louis reckons you might, Tom used to serve with Connor in the army before Connor transferred to the SAS.  Tom’s brilliant, he’s so funny and we get along really well._

_Actually, this brings me to what this letter is really supposed to be about. I need to tell you something Harry, something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while now. I know I probably should have told you when you were home, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you.  But I want you to hear it from me first and not anyone else._

“Any one else?” Harry couldn’t help himself from muttering as he read Niall’s letter.

_Please don’t hate me after this, please try not to judge me, I’m still the same person you’ve gotten to know these past few months_

After reading Niall’s last sentence, Harry was hesitant to read on, not knowing what to expect.

_Ok, here goes, Harry, I’m gay. I’m sorry for not telling you. I just didn’t want it to change your view of me and I promise I'm still the same._

_If you’re still reading, there’s a bit more too it. Remember Tom that I was telling you about?  Well turns out he’s gay too and he asked me out. Louis actually kind of set us up funnily enough which is why I had to tell you now because I didn’t want Louis to mention it and to have you be taken by surprise._

_So yeh, that’s my letter._

_I hope you’re ok with all of this and sorry I didn’t tell you sooner._

_Can you please reply, I just want to know how your thoughts, I don’t care if they’re good or bad. Please don’t not reply_

_  
Niall._

Harry just stared down at Niall’s words, not knowing how to process what he’d just read.

 

“Zayn....”Harry called, needing his friend.

“Yeh? Need something?” Zayn asked, ready to do anything for Harry.

Harry just wordlessly handed Zayn the letter, pointing to Niall’s confession and sat, watching Zayn’s expression as he read.

When Zayn finally finished reading, Harry sat up, eager to hear what he had to say.

Zayn took a deep breath before saying “Well, I can’t say I’m completely surprised, but hey, at least you have a shot here.”

“Carry on reading Z”

Zayn obediently continued.

“Oh”

Harry nodded. “Yeh..”

 Zayn sighed and lay the letter down on the bed beside him. “Haz, I guess this letter is a good and bad thing huh.” He said slowly, quietly.

Harry blinked up at his friend “What do you mean?”

Running a hand over his head, Zayn returned Harry’s gaze “It’s bad for obvious reasons, but it’s good because now you know you have a chance with Niall, should you want it.”

As Harry opened his mouth to reply, Zayn stopped him “Wait, before you deny anything, you and I both know you’ve developed a bit of a thing for your adorable Irish pen pal.”

“I, but...we, no!” Harry spluttered.

Zayn reached over and patted his knee, smirk playing across his lips, “Don’t worry mate, it’s all good.”

Harry swatted Zayn’s hand away and glared at his friend. “No, but seriously, even if I did like him, I would have a chance, he doesn’t think of me in that way and plus, he’s got that Tom guy now.”

“Haz, from what you and Liam have told me, there is no way he didn’t like you.”

“Sure Z, whatever you say.”

Zayn rolled his eyes. “Come off it Haz, can’t you see, he’s practically asking you if it’s ok with you if he goes out with Tom. He clearly feels something for you too, but he’s settling with Tom because he doesn’t think he has a shot with you.”

“Yeh?” Harry’s voice lifted slightly.

“Yes! You crazy sod. Don’t tell anyone I told you, but Liam said that Niall’s been a bit lost without you, he won’t stop talking about you and the things you did together.”

Harry offered Zayn a small smile, “Maybe I should talk to him about it? I think I should tell him.”

“Of course you should tell him! Everyone knew you liked him, it’s about time you clued him in on it!” Zayn said, laughing.

“Wait” Harry said slowly, “Everybody knew?”

“Umm yes, everyone” Zayn replied just as slowly “Why?”

Harry ignored Zayn’s question, choosing to ask one of his own “Did Louis know too?”

“Yes Louis too, he was the one that pointed it out to me” Zayn gave Harry an odd look, but answered his question anyway.

“Lou knew I had a thing for Niall and that Niall wasn’t in to guys” Harry stated.

“Umm yes? And?” Zayn was not quite following where Harry was going with this.

“He knew Zayn, he knew it all!”Harry practically yelled.

“Uhhh yes Harry.”

Harry placed his hands on Zayn’s shoulders and shook him in frustration “Louis knew about how I felt and he knew Niall was gay and he still set him up with Tom!”

Zayn sighed internally, so this was what Harry was getting at, he thought to himself.

“I don’t think Louis set them up on purpose Haz.” Zayn said, slowly removing Harry’s hands from where they still rested on his shoulders. “Just write back to Niall, tell him how you feel or maybe ask him if he likes you too.”

When Harry didn’t reply, Zayn said “Haz, mate, you are going to write him back aren’t you? We aren’t going to have a repeat of last time are we?”

Harry looked up at Zayn, “No we aren’t, I’ll write Niall back don’t worry. But first I’m going to talk to Louis.” He said, his voice hard.

Zayn sighed “Harry, I know this voice, the last time you had this voice was our first year in SAS training and that guy tripped you up on purpose during our fitness trials and you beat him up afterwards. Do you remember how much trouble you got in to? I thought we’d gotten rid of this impulsive Harry.”

“Don’t worry Zayn; I’m not going to do anything that bad. I’m just going to call Louis and ask him what the fuck he was thinking”

“Harry” Zayn said “don’t call Louis. It’s not his fault. If anything, call Niall and just talk to him.”

Harry shook his head, his mind made up. “No, I need to call Louis.” Harry stood up, “actually, I’m going to do it now.”

Zayn stood up too. “No Harry, if you’re going to call him, don’t do it now. You need time to think over it properly.”

Before Harry had a chance to reply, the sirens went off, something Zayn had never been happier to hear.


	13. Chapter 13

Harry had been itching to call Louis for almost a week now, but the past week had been a blur of activity for him. Every time he thought he had a spare moment to ring Louis, there seemed to be either an extra training session, mess hall duty he didn’t know he was scheduled for, sniping practice he didn’t know he signed up for or hand to hand combat training he was supposed to conduct.

It was a quiet, humid Thursday afternoon when Harry finally managed to sneak away from any and all of his duties. He knew that Zayn was off practicing his shooting again and the guys he had been training were out on a patrol so he took the opportunity to run off to the comms centre so he could finally talk to Louis. Harry took a deep breath, steeling himself, before asking the operator to dial Louis’ cellphone number, hoping the time difference was on his side.  Getting a nod from the operator, signalling the call was being connected; Harry settled himself in to a booth and picked up the headset, ready for the conversation he’d been itching to have since getting Niall’s letter. Five rings in; Harry heard the crackle of an answer.

“Lo?” Came Louis’ cautious greeting

“Lou? It’s Harry.”

“Oh Haz! Hey how are you?” Louis voice picked up, realising his friend was calling him. “Why you calling??”

Harry sighed, as angry as he had been, he really didn’t know how to have this conversation. “Lou, why did you set Niall up with that Tom guy?”

Louis chuckled “Really, is that the reason you called me?”

“Yes.......”

“Looks like spontaneous Haz is back!” Louis said excitedly.

“Louis, just answer my question please. You can tease me later if you must.”

Louis’ sigh crackled all kinds of odd in Harry’s ear “Look Harry, I didn’t exactly set them up. We’d all hung out a couple of times and Niall and Tom seemed to get along well and Liam might have mentioned to me that it was the happiest he’d seen Niall since you left. So when Tom expressed some interest in Niall, I might have encouraged him to go for it and Liam might have encouraged Niall to accept.”

Harry rubbed a hand over his eyes, “Am I the only one who didn’t know Niall was gay?”

“Mate, you didn’t know??” Louis’ voice was incredulous.

“No Lou, I only found out last week in Niall’s letter.”

“Sorry Haz, I honestly thought you knew.”

“But if you knew that both Niall and I weren’t straight and you figured out that I like him, how could you let Liam orchestrate this?” Harry asked his voice laced with a tinge of desperation.

Louis sighed, “Harry” His voice suddenly sounding tired. “Yes I knew you like Niall and I’m pretty sure you liked him more than you let on, but the thing is, you never explicitly said it, not to me and definitely not to Niall. Heck, you didn’t even hint at it, you didn’t give the poor boy any indication at you fancied him in the slightest. You actually did such a good job that even I thought you weren’t interested anymore. So I thought, why not, Niall’s a nice guy, he should have the chance to be with someone who will make him happy.”

“I know Lou, to the logical part of me that makes complete sense, but there is this small illogical part of my brain that just wants to scream and shout.”

“Haz, that’s not illogical at all. That is normal human nature, something you’ve just had to sacrifice a bit cos of what you do. It’s normal to feel that way when it comes to someone you like and care about.”

“Yeh?” was all Harry managed to say in reply.

“Yes Harry, it’s completely normal. You know, it’s not too late, you should really talk to Niall, maybe tell him what you’ve been feeling.”

“No Louis, I can’t.”

“Why not Haz? Why?” hints of frustration began to pepper Louis’ voice.

“It’s not as simple as you make it out to be...”

“How Haz? Can you please explain this to me?”

Harry sighed deeply, “Lou, even if I told him just how much I liked him and even, if by a miracle, he felt the same, nothing could even happen, I wouldn’t let it.”

“Oh Haz.” Louis’ tone softened instantly “not your hero complex again, you will not be harming Niall by loving him.”

“Yes I will Lou, I will be hurting him. Whenever I get deployed, we will be on different sides of the world, he will constantly be worrying about me and what if the unthinkable happens and I don’t make it home? I will be hurting him just by loving him.”

“So, you do love him?” Louis asked slowly

“No, no I don’t,” Harry paused, “not yet”

“Harry, ugh” Louis made an exasperated noise at the back of his throat “Harry, you owe it to yourself to at least let him know how you feel. Be selfish just once; think of yourself before others just once. Come on Haz, you can do it. Even if you lay it all on the table and tell him from the get go that you’ll never amount to anything, just get it off your chest and tell him because you’ll always regret it if you don’t.”

“I know Louis, I know.”

“Then what are you waiting for Haz? Call him, talk to......”

“You have almost reached your call limit, you have 5 minutes of allotted time left” A tinny robotic voice cut through Louis’ sentence.

“Shit, Lou! I didn’t realise we’d been talking that long!” Harry cried.

“I’m sorry Haz. Look it’s ok though, you can just write back to him.” Louis reassured.

“It doesn’t quite have the same effect...”

“I know, but it’s better than nothing yeh?”

“Yeh I guess..” Harry said

“Now go write that letter to Niall and I’ll talk to you later ok?”

“Ok, bye Louis and thank you, sorry I was angry at you before.” Harry apologised, feeling bad for unjustifiably angry at Louis.

Louis chuckled “Don’t worry about it. Bye now.” He said before hanging up.

Soon all Harry heard was the dial tone resonating in the head piece, which he threw off his head with a frustrated noise. That was definitely not how he pictured the call going at all.

~~

_Dear Niall,_

_Don’t ever think for a second that I wouldn’t reply to you! And I don’t hate you in the slightest! As for judging you, I couldn’t even judge you even if I wanted to because that would be hypocritical; I’ve loved men before, I’ve loved women too, I don’t judge. I guess that was my confession? Not that it was really a secret._

_Now with that out of the way, tell me about your date, how was it? Actually, I’m not sure if you’ll have been on it yet, if not, tell me how it goes after. I hope it turns out well, but to be honest, I really wish you didn’t have to go on it at all and I don’t know why._

_Actually, that’s a lie. I'm sorry Niall, I wish I could be happy for you; I really want to be happy for you. I was actually going to write this letter as normal, not mentioning what I was really thinking, but I can’t do it, I’ve got to tell you how I feel. I guess from this letter, it’s pretty obvious by now, but I’ve got to say it anyway. Niall, I like you, quite a bit actually.  I’m not sure when it happened, but you trusting me enough to tell me about your sexuality combined with the fact that you’ve now gone and gotten yourself a boyfriend, has spurred me in to telling you.  I’m sorry, I know its horrible timing._

_I think my feelings for you began, what seems like so long ago, when we lost Bourke and I wrote you that letter. Your reply was amazing, I know I told you how much your words meant to me, but you really don’t know how much they truly meant. Niall, you cared so much that you stressed and worried about how to reply properly, even though this was just a school project and you didn’t even know me that well. That was the nicest thing anyone has ever done.  Maybe it’s because I'm damaged or maybe it’s because I’ve never had anyone care that much about me. Don’t get me wrong, I have my grandparents who love me to bits and I have Zayn the boys who will always have my back and will do anything for me, but they have to. I’m not sure if I'm explaining this properly, but I was forced on my grandparents, they were forced to care for me when my parents died, they didn’t really have a choice. As for Zayn and the boys we were all thrust together, yes we care for each other genuinely now, but we were strangers forced to depend on each other, bound by our mutual need to survive. You on the other hand, were not obliged to care, not really obliged to even get to know me, but you did and for that I’ll always be thankful._

_I think I’m rambling, essentially what I meant to say was I like you, have done for a while now._

_Sorry for throwing this all on you, especially now that you’ve got Tom. I’m sorry, but I just had to tell you. Louis says that I’m allowed to be selfish once in a while, but to be honest I'm not really enjoying this selfishness._

_Let me tell you,  I don’t expect anything to come from my confession, I don’t expect you to return my feelings, I don’t expect you to forget about Tom. We could never work as a couple anyway; you are everything perfect in the world, happy, carefree, and untainted. Also, I’d never want you to be waiting at home for me like those army wives, worrying about when their loved ones were coming home, wondering if they’d come home injured, wondering if they’d come home at all. I could never ask that of anyone, let alone you._

_Sorry for this letter Niall, it kind of got away from me......Sorry for springing this all now you. Like I said before, I don’t expect anything to come of it, but I just needed to get it off my chest._

_Harry_


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys!!! There's just the epilogue left!!!! It should be out very very soon!

 

 

Niall was still laughing raucously at something Tom had said as he walked out of the restaurant as Tom held the door for him. Niall stopped just outside the restaurant to catch his breath and compose himself.

“So this was fun wasn’t it?” Tom said, smiling at Niall.

“Yeh was great!” Niall replied, enthusiastically.

“We should definitely do this again; maybe bring the boys along or something?” Tom said excitedly.

“That would be great! Oh we should do a gaming night this week” Niall suggested.

“Perfect, I’ll text them and organise it shall I” Tom asked.

“Yup that works.”

“Ok, well thanks for a great night.” Tom said, stepping a bit closer to Niall.

“Thanks for asking me out.” Niall replied as he reached out to hug Tom.

Tom smiled, squeezing Niall just a bit tighter, before whispering “Good luck mate.”

~~

As soon as Niall got through his door, he saw the envelope with his name written in the now familiar scrawl, waiting for him by his key bowl. He’d forgotten that it was there, having left it there in his rush to get ready for his date after a longer than expected day at university. Niall chucked his keys in the bowl and reverently picked up the letter and made his way slowly to his kitchen bench. He was dying to read Harry’s letter, dying to know his response, but at the same time he really didn’t want to know, he didn’t want to read Harry’s words of rejection and prejudiced that might be concealed by the innocent looking white envelope. Not quite knowing what to do, Niall picked up his phone and dialled Liam’s number.

“Niall, what’s up? How was your date?” Liam asked as soon as he picked up.

“Date? Oh yeh, Tom” Niall said distractedly. “Umm I’ll tell you about it later? I need your help, can you come over please.”

“What happened Niall? Are you ok?” Liam asked

“I got Harry’s reply, I haven’t read it yet. I need you to come read it for me.” Niall replied, his words coming out in a rush.

“Niall, I'm not reading that letter before you do.” Liam said.

“Please??” Niall pleaded.

“No.” Liam replied, voice firm.

“Liam please, you have to.”

Liam paused before saying “Niall, I'm sure it’ll be a very personal letter, I don’t know if Harry would want me to read it before you.

“I’d rather have you tell me Harry hates me than hear it directly from him.”

“Harry doesn’t hate you!” Liam exclaimed “Why would he?”

Niall sighed “I dunno, he just might feel that way. I don’t want to take the chance. Please Liam.” Niall said, trying to use his most convincing voice.

“Niall” Liam said warningly. “You can do it, I promise it’ll be ok. You can call me afterward ok?”

“Fine” Niall conceded. “I guess I’ll go read it now.”

~~

Niall’s mind was racing after he’d finished reading Harry’s letter, his thoughts just refused to settle. It was as if his brain was having an argument with itself as to which part of Harry’s letter it should focus on, the part where Harry exposed his vulnerability, the part where Harry said he was perfectly fine with Niall’s sexuality or the fact that Harry said he was in to guys too. Niall stopped himself, why was he trying to thinking about all the, now irrelevant, facts. He should be focusing on the fact that Harry had just confessed that he had feelings for Niall, pretty strong feelings if the letter was anything to go by.

 Niall dropped the letter in shock, “Shit” he exclaimed to the wall facing him. “Shit.” He muttered again. Niall’s fingers reached automatically for his phone and immediately dialled Liam’s number.

“Did you read the letter?” Liam said by way of greeting.

“Liam” Niall’s voice wavered. “I don’t know what to do”

“What did he say Niall?” Liam asked gently.

“He likes me Liam, like proper likes me. He said he wished I didn’t have to go out with Tom and he’s sorry for the bad timing of his letter and he doesn’t expect anything to come from his confession because he doesn’t think its fair for me and he doesn’t want me to be like an army wife.” Niall said in a rush, half his words merging with other words.

“Hold on, let me get this straight, Harry likes you, but doesn’t want to start anything with you?” Liam tried to translate.

“Essentially yes I think.” Niall said.

“Okaaaaaay” Liam dragged out. “So how do you feel about all of this?”

“I don’t know!! And that’s the problem. Liammmmm” Niall whined “Can you fix it? Please?”

“Unfortunately I can’t fix this one for you Nialler. How about we start with do you like Harry?”

“Shit!  Liam, I think I do.” Niall said, the realisation scaring him a bit.

“ I can’t say I'm surprised, but that’s good, that’s the first step. Second, would you be willing to be like an army wife? Always waiting for him to come home, always worrying about him?”

“Yes” Niall said almost immediately, surprising himself.

“You sure?” Liam had to ask

“Yeh I am, didn’t think I’d be, but yeh I am.”

“Ok, if you’re sure then I reckon you need to tell Harry” Liam told him. “And I reckon once you do, he’ll be wanting to resign just to be with you.”

Niall managed a chuckle “He’ll never do that. But thank you Liam, thanks for your help.”

“Don’t worry Nialler, now go write to your man!”

~~

_Dear Harry,_

_You don’t know how happy I am that you don’t hate me!! Haha yeh I was so happy that I don’t have anything else to say to that, I was that happy!_

_Ohh as for my ‘date’ with Tom, it was really great actually. He’s a really nice and funny guy. I swear we were just laughing the entire night! It was such a great night, one of the best I've had in a while if I'm being honest. He took me to that new Korean restaurant that’s close to the pizza joint you and I went to, you know the one where you decided it was a good idea to attempt to eat a whole pizza by yourself and ended up feeling sick the rest of the night after? Hahaha_

Harry couldn’t bring himself to read any further. This was not how he pictured Niall’s letter going, he knew he told Niall he wanted to know about his date and that he didn’t expect anything to happen between them, but he definitely did not expect Niall to just rave on about Tom and how much fun he had. Harry huffed and placed the letter on his pillow, not ready to read the rest of the letter.

“Harry what are you doing?” Harry looked over to Zayn’s bed, where his friend was casually lounging.

“What do you mean? Where you watching me this whole time?”  Harry asked.

Zayn chuckled. “Yeh I was. Why’d you stop reading? There still at least another half a page to that letter.”

“Niall was talking about Tom and how amazing his date was. I’m not in the mood to read that right now.”

“For God’s sake, just finish reading the letter” Zayn admonished, grabbing the letter off Harry’s pillow and shoving it in his hands instead.

“Fine” Harry growling, before he resumed reading.

_But as nice as Tom was and as much fun as I had, I don’t think we’ll be having a second date._

 Harry looked up at Zayn, his eyes wide. Zayn laughed at his friend’s expression.

“Just keep reading” Zayn said.

“Liam told you what happens next didn’t he?” Harry said indignantly.

“Maybe” Zayn said smirking.

_Tom and I both realised we worked better as friends you know. It also didn’t help that we spent like half the ‘date’ talking about the army, not a very romantic discussion if you ask me!_

_Ugh, ok, this is not really how I wanted my letter to go. Sorry, I'm not very good with words! I wanted it to be as good as yours, but I think I'm failing. Ok so here’s the deal, I read your letter and it made me feel so special! The way you wrote it and all was really nice and I really wanted to reply with something just a well written and I go and write about Tom of all things when what I really wanted to say is Harry, I really really like you. I'm sorry!!!_

_Oh I didn’t even say it properly..........Harry, I like you. Properly like you, even though you an overly cautious sometimes, even though you could probably kill me with your bare hands and even though you completely adorably fail Call of Duty._

_I guess what I’m trying to say is screw not making something out of this, I’m more than will to wait at home and be your army wife any day._

_Niall_

_P.S. I can’t wait till next next week when you guys come home!_


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys, the last part of Write Me Not!!!! This is my first ever multi-chapter fic so I want to say thank you to everyone who has read, left kudo and commented. Every single one of those has been so much to me, especially the comments, they were great to read!! 
> 
> I want to say a special thank you to xbumblebee and KarenAnn, for the last few parts you guys have left the nicests, best comments! Love you guys!!! 
> 
> I hope you all like this very last part, re-reading just now, I've realised it's a little cheesy.......I hope it's ok. 
> 
> Thank you all again, I'll see you all soon with a new story in a little while. So without further ado, here is the final part of Write Me Not.
> 
> P.S. I apologise for any inaccuracies, I really don’t know army protocols or how things work.

Harry and Zayn had been back in England for about two weeks and they were finally officially on leave. Harry was loving it, it was the first time in a very long time that he actually loved being on leave, the first time he actually had someone to come back to. He still had trouble believing the Niall actually wanted to try things out with him, even though being with him meant months and months apart and no guarantees that Harry would make it home in one piece or if at all.  That was the one thing that had been weighing heavily on his mind, so much so, that he found himself in his CO’s office about to do something he never thought he’d been doing. Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself and rose his fist to knock on the burnished wood.

“Come in” was the muffled command.

Harry let out his breath and opened the door. To his surprise, he saw Zayn seated in front of their CO.

“Zayn?” Harry said

Zayn turned around and a guilty look over took his features as he saw who had just entered the office.

“Harry, hi...”he said.

Their CO looked between the two boys “Harry, just give a minute, Malik and I are almost done here, just signing his discharge papers and I’ll be with you.”

“Discharge papers??” Harry asked looking first to his CO then to Zayn.

Zayn coughed and shuffled in his seat “Umm yeh, discharge.”

“Here you go son.” Their CO said, handing over the paper to Zayn “It’s been an honour serving with you son, you are a great soldier. I wish you luck in where ever your life may lead you.” He said as he stood and stuck out his hand.

 Zayn nodded and took his hand “Thank you Sir, the honour has been mine.” He said before turning to leave the office.

As Zayn walked pass, Harry caught his arm and whispered “We’ve got to talk, wait for me outside.”

Zayn nodded mutely and carried on out the door.

Harry stepped forward and took Zayn’s place in the chair “Sir.” He said, nodding his greeting.

“Harry, what can I do for you son.”

“I’ve been in the army for more years that I care to know. I've really enjoyed my time here, but I feel like I need to carry on with my life. I’ve always thought that this would be it for me, but this last tour changed me, I'm beginning to think it’s time for a change. So Sir, I wish to formally request discharge from my position.” Harry said respectfully.

His CO sighed and leaned back tiredly in his chair. “You too son?”

Harry nodded, lacing his fingers together nervously on his lap. “Yes Sir.”

“I can’t change your mind in anyway can I? We were thinking of promoting you and Mr Malik too.”

“No Sir, you can’t I've made up my mind.” Harry said respectfully.

“Ok, if there’s nothing else I can do, I’ll sign your papers.”

“Thank you Sir.”

“I don’t know what happened on this tour.” His CO said, as he began writing up and signing a new set of forms. “Both you and Malik resigning, you were two of our best and brightest prospects. Great soldiers and great men.”

“Sorry?” Harry ventured, not too sure what to say.

“It’s ok son. To be honest, I always thought you’d leave a lot sooner than this. You never seemed like you belonged in this life. Well here you go.” He said, handing Harry his papers. “You’ll need to come back to base to get officially discharged and to return all your assigned gear Monday next week at 0900 hours. It’s been a please serving with you son. Good luck.”

“Thank you Sir, thank you so much.” Harry said, as he stood to accept his papers.

~~

True to his word, Zayn was waiting for Harry when he stepped out of the office.

 “Sorry” Zayn said as soon as he say Harry.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Harry hissed as they automatically fell in to step as they walked away from the office.

“I’m sorry Harry, I really am. Wait, wait!” Zayn said, seeing the papers in Harry’s hand. “Oh you can’t get all high and mighty on me! You didn’t tell me either”

Harry looked down sheepishly, contemplating hiding his papers, “Sorry, I guess we’re both as bad as each other?” He asked, smiling hopefully at Zayn.

Zayn playfully whacked Harry over the head “Yeh I guess we are.”

“So why’d you do it?” Harry asked Zayn.

“Well, Liam and I have been talking about it for a while, not seriously of course, but then when we got back, I hung out with him and went to a couple of his classes at uni and I really enjoyed it. It got me thinking that I could do it too you know.”

“That’s great Zayn” Harry said, really proud of his friend.

“You think?” Zayn asked.

“Yeh of course, it’s really good.”

“What about you? I know why you resigned, but what are you going to do next?” Zayn queried.

“Umm, I’m not too sure actually. Was thinking of maybe travelling.” Harry mused.

~~

The boys were all at Niall’s flat, as had recently become tradition, even Louis had begun to join them. The atmosphere was usually relaxed and comfortable, but tonight things felt a bit off, Zayn and Harry kept glancing at each other, making Niall nervous, which in turn made him look to Liam for help.

“Out with it guys! All this glancing and unsubtle looks are getting to me” Louis announced.

Harry coughed awkwardly and looked to Zayn, who just shrugged.

Niall saw the exchange and climbed off the couch where he’d been lounging next to Harry. “You’re not giving up on us are you?” He asked looking between Harry and Zayn. “Zayn knows doesn’t he, that’s why you keep looking over to him right?”

Harry and Zayn looked blankly up at him, the both of them simultaneously shaking their heads. Liam laughed at the three of them. “Niall, what did I tell you about jumping to conclusions. Come and sit here.” He said, pulling Niall on to the chair next to him. “And let them explain kay?”

Niall let himself be pulled in to the seat and looked over at Harry and Zayn.

Seeing that Harry was too preoccupied with a loose thread on the couch, Zayn took it upon himself to speak for the both of them. “So well, Harry and I did something today, we didn’t plan on it and we didn’t know the other was going to do it.”

Louis snorted “That doesn’t sound suspicious at all Zayn.”

“We both quit the army!” Harry blurted, unable to keep it in.

“What?” Niall asked, his eyes focused on Harry’s

“Umm yeh...I don’t know what happened. I just decided it wasn’t for me anymore.  For the first time in a quite a while, I don’t know what is going to happen next. I was thinking of travelling and seeing the world for a bit.” Harry was talking to no one in particular, his eyes down, focused on a dark spot on Niall’s carpet. “Niall, come with me?” He asked, head turning to find Niall. “Was thinking maybe we could explore new places together? Kind of like an adventure?”

“Yes! Ok!” Niall exclaimed, wide grin over taking his face.

“Aww that’s sweet!!” Louis cooed “So Zayn, what’s your plan then?”

“Unfortunately it’s not as interesting as theirs , I was thinking of enrolling in university, haven’t decided on my major yet though”

“Really?” Liam asked, his smile wide. “That’s awesome. I can help you pick out your classes and stuff.”

Louis looked around the room, seeing how happy everyone was, made him so proud, he helped bring these boys together. “Boys” He said, getting their attention, “Since its announcement night, I’ve got an announcement of my own to make. I'm going to be training to become a counsellor, I want to work helping rehabilitate our guys who come back and post traumatic stress disorder.”

The boys looked to Louis and simultaneously shouted their congratulations at him.

“Boys I think this definitely warrants celebratory drinks!” Niall yelled, before running in to the kitchen in search of alcohol.

Soon he returned with a bottle of whiskey and 5 mismatched cups and glasses.

“Take one everyone!” he ordered.  Once everyone grabbed one, he began “A toast, to the best writing programme that ever existed!”

“And to the next chapter of our lives!” Harry announced.

 

**Author's Note:**

> for more you can visit my tumblr - http://sweetmysterie.tumblr.com/


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